Some of the sexual education workshops I run contain a safer sex component where I demonstrate how ladies can put on a condom for their partners. Once, a lady asked candidly why the demonstration was relevant to her since all her sexual partners in the past would put on the condom themselves.
Indeed, why should we learn to put on a condom, or for that matter – ride a bicycle, change a flat tire or anything for ourselves – if the people around us will always do these things for us? What if, one day, she was to meet a man who resists wearing a condom and would only use one if she were to put it on? Would she know how to since she has never had to do it?
Realising that it was not true that their sexual partner always has their welfare at heart, the class really sat up and paid attention for they recognised that it was their safety that could be compromised. It is your body and here are some essentials any woman should know:
How to put a condom on:
1. Make sure you have a good quality condom that is new, and which has
at least six month left until a good expiration date. A condom which has been exposed to temperatures that are too warm or cold is not recommended, such as those having been in pockets, the car, or a wallet.
2. Avoid using oil based lubricants which damage or break condoms.
3. Check to see you are unrolling the condom the right direction over an erect penis.
4. Pinch the tip of the condom to let the air out while you unroll the condom down to the base of his penis.
5. Ensure that there is no slippage of condom throughout the sexual intercourse
6. When removing a condom, hold the base as you pull the condom off before throwing it into the bin (not the toilet bowl). Never use condoms twice.
What should you say when you want him to don a condom but he puts up all kinds of protests? Realise that a firm ‘No’ should suffice – no further explanation needed. You do not need to be tripping over yourself, or bending over backwards to please him. You want him to respect you as an individual and as a person, and compromising your health and well-being may lead him to lose respect for you. Surely, you want to be true to yourself, and be able to hold your head up high, throughout the entire relationship – however it turns out.
One tip to rebut his excuses is to use the keywords in his sentence, and incorporate them into your response. It shows him that you are acknowledging him, without being aggressive at all. These are some examples:
If he says: "Condoms ruin the mood."
Your possible reply: “Having unsafe sex ruins my mood. I cannot have sex when I don’t feel protected.”
If his excuse is: “I cannot enjoy sex with a condom.”
Your possible reply: "The protection will allow both of us to enjoy sex.”
If he says: “If you really love me, you should trust me.”
Your possible reply: “It is because I love you that I want to be sure we’re both protected.”
If he complains: “I can’t feel anything when I’m wearing a condom.”
Your possible reply: “Have you tried using a thinner condom that can provide better sensations?”
If he says: “Condoms don’t work anyway. Why bother?”
Your possible reply: “Condoms used correctly are 98% effective."
If his excuse is: “Wearing a condom is uncomfortable.”
Your possible reply: “Not wearing a condom is not an option for me. Have you tried using this brand?” (Suggest a different brand or size. Consider different condom types besides latex condoms)
If he persists, repeat what you just said. Here are other ways to say no:
I mean it.
I said, “No.”
I said, “Cut it out.”
I asked you to ___.
I asked you not to ____.
I want you to ____.
I really would like you to ____.
Some men will continue trying to worm their way out of putting on a condom if they can. His lack of respect about what you need to feel safe and consideration for your well-being may be a tell-tale sign of the type of person he is, and where the relationship might be headed. Be smart, be alert, and please, be safe. There is only one of you.
Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching and sex therapy. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com.
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