How to Say No

As with all relationships, honesty is the best policy.

Human beings are sexual beings who need to love and be love. However, it is far better to be honest with yourself and with your partner, if you are uncomfortable about having sex.

In the Name of Love

The portrayal of casual sex on television today is distorting the fine line between love and sexual intimacy. Some common misperceptions about sex and love may include:

§  Sex is the only way to keep my partner interested.

§  If I don’t have sex with him, he will leave me for someone else who will.

§  If I love him, sex is the only way to prove it.

Truth is, love and sexual intimacy can be mutually exclusive in some relationships. Some men can have sexual relationships with several women without any lifelong commitment. A good man, on the other hand, is certainly one who can delay having sex out of respect for the woman’s wishes.

If that’s the case, the right questions to ask where sex is concerned may be:

§  Am I in the right relationship?

§  Is this the right time to have a sexual relationship?

§  What are the consequences?

Decisions are never easy, but knowing yourself will help you strengthen your will.  The surer you are of yourself, the less likely you would be flattered or pressured into doing something you're not ready for.

Mutual understanding and respect allows you and your partner to accept and appreciate each other with greater trust. It's not always easy, but it's worth making the effort.

With HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections on the rise, the decision to have sex is one with serious consequences today.

What You Can Do

There can be too much romance in the air.

A couple you know may not have intended to have sex, it just happened to them. Blame it on the moonlight, or the Long Island Tea. Regardless of the reason, one thing is for sure—it’s too late to figure it out, it already happened.

If you are not willing or ready, the best way to protect yourself is to avoid some of these situations that could lead to sex:

§  Heavy kissing or petting

§  Intimate dancing

§  Excessive alcohol

§  Engaging in oral sex

Research suggests that women are more vulnerable in some of these situations compared to men. In general, women also tend to be less assertive if they believe their willingness to have sex means acceptance in the eyes of their partner.

What You Can Say

If you do have a trying situation on hand, try these tips to help you deal with the awkward moments:

Him:    I won't use a condom.

You:     Using a condom is one way of protecting ourselves and our loved ones from HIV infection. I won't take chances without a condom.

Him:    What’s wrong with you? Everybody's doing it without condoms.

You:     Many people pretend to be risk takers, just to impress friends. They haven’t been thinking about consequences. I would like to have sex with you, but I just wouldn’t do it without any protection.

Him:    If you love me, you would do what I say.

You:     I do love you and I care about how you feel, but I trust that you wouldn’t put either one of us in a situation where we might both regret.

Him:    If you won't have sex with me, I’ll just find someone else who will.

You:     It is better for both of us to take precautions, to our best interests. Having casual sex with someone else shows your lack of commitment to me.

Him:    I'll die if I don't have sex.

You:     No, you won't.

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