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sahms-have you ever felt at a loss?

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  • sahms-have you ever felt at a loss?

    SAhms, wives,
    Have you ever felt stranded in a marriage?

    SOme of my working friends mentioned before that they will never ever turn to be a sahm. One of the reasons being they do not want to be held responsible for their kids' outcome, eg, neg behaviour or poor school grade. Shocking as it sounds to me before or you now, I begin to feel there is valid concern there.

    Recently, hb pointed out that kids are behaving as such is a result of ME. I cannot accept such convenient finger pointing blame. As a sahm, I am trying my best to be a devoted mum and a 100% homemaker.

    Sahms, do you have your down moment? Feeling it is really not worth it afterall? Feel like dumping the family and re-join the workforce is a total anxiety issues?

    Being a sahm, it is giving and contributing ard the clock. Hb easily taking us for granted? Working, you get paid and appraised for your job done. Sahm, always last priority for attention but anyone need to be attended to, we are readily expected to be there? It is not unfamiliar that hb dotes on the kids but easily neglect us? Gifts and affectionate gestures are getting lesser. Ironically, we at times talk thru msn IM though we are under the same roof. Who will take care of our SAHM well being? When the kids or hb are hungry, hot home dishes are served by us. When I am hungry, I cook for myself. Do not want to immerse in self pity but this is the truth. How do we grow old with a man whose communication stream with me is getter narrower/lesser? Kids will grow up and have their own world n famiies. By then, the old couple of us just left with empty shell? He will just surf online, claim to be working, sleeping at wee hours with his pda to bed. Oh mine, life is such a bore! No initiative to plan for our family's activities...........When there are outing, he will hush hush rush us to get done with and to get home. PPle says family that eats together, stays together. He does not fancy eating at all and eating out as a family is not even a special moment to him!

    I am growing sick living with such hb. Wondering why does he get married at the first place? I am very depressed and disheartened, bearing no hope for our marriage. It does not warrant an immediate divorce but as days go by, it is obvious that we are drifting more apart and we do not do anything together at all. No common interest. No sex. Used to believe in open communication but have reached a stage where mere few words also feel reluctant to talk.

    PErhaps this marriage will die of natural death in no time?

    Anyone in same flight as me? Are there any hope in such relationship? I am muddled head now...pardon me...........

  • #2
    edit edit edit
    Last edited by Medusa; 14-11-2008, 08:13 PM. Reason: too long


    • #3
      Meadows, I think it does not matter if one is a SAHM or FTWM. I think as mothers, usually everything about the child is "because" of us. Too thin, because of us. Too naughty, also our fault. Too shy, our fault again. It's a never ending story. And if it's not our husband pointing the finger, it's in laws or even our own parents. So don't feel so discourage in that aspect.

      On the other hand, what strikes me most about your post is not about your frustration as a SAHM but as a wife. It is about your relationship with your hubby. Communication seems to be one of the issues here. I think you need to talk to your husband about how you feel to prevent the situation from going downhill. I'm sure you can work things out together.


      • #4

        You sound very depressed, I think you should try to talk to your hubby about your concerns... like you I also have my problems ... like being at the beck and call of my child I feel like a maid when my MIL keep telling me to make milk change diapers and all... my hubby didn't help in the night even though he's not working the next day ... but after telling him about my concerns... he tries to get up so sometimes all we need is to tell them how we feel maybe it will work.

        Cheer up... I know its hard but try to work things out yah???


        • #5
          Hey meadows

          Sorry to hear what you're going through .. I guess as a SAHM, it's always the unfortunate situation of being the easy "scapegoat" when it comes to the child's temperament and behaviour, especially since he/she spends the most time with you ... finger pointing is easy, taking responsibility is hard ... if your husband points finger at you again, just tell him outright if he's not happy with your upbringing of the children, why not he just swap places with you ...

          Just wondering though, you being a SAHM is by choice, or on request by your husband, or due to circumstances? Have you and your husband considered other options like putting your children in childcare or with a nanny? To be honest, not everyone is called to be a SAHM, and I am one of them, cos' the thought of not being financially independent scares me ... me and my husband got loans to pay off (house, car) and living on one income, while can be possible, is very stretched ... and in turn, may result in a lot of potential conflicts ... so to avoid that, I still chose to be a FTWM, and let my mom take care of my child. Yet, ultimately the child is OUR responsibility, not the responsibility of grandparents, childcare, nanny or domestic workers, they may be the ones who take care of our children, but we chose to bring them to this world ... we're their mummy and daddy, they're our children ...

          As for the relationship between you and your husband ... it would seem like you both have some underlying issues to be resolved? You mentioned that you both used to have open communication, so did something happen to trigger off the spiral that you and your husband are currently going through? If you and your husband can just sit down together and talk about this, maybe you both can voice out whatever frustrations are bothering you both? If really need be, a marriage counsellor?


          • #6
            i've been a FTWM until recently.. due to some in law problems, i'm left without a caregiver for my 18 mth old DD. hence, now i'm a temp SAHM.

            i honestly want to say this, to all the SAHM, its not an easy job. one that under pays and under appreciates. but its a great sacrifice (on your part) but little do you know its a great blessing for the little ones.

            the best thing they could ever receive is your TLC.


            • #7
              frankly speaking, if u intend to b a SAHM, u will have to make sacrifice. & after making those sacrifice, u cant complain. yes, its tiring & frustrating & sometimes, u will feel whether its worth it a not. im proud to say that im willing to make all these sacrifice. im blessed with 2 adorable kids & i dun want to make our relationship faded off if im a FTWM.

              a fren of my SO hv 2 kids too but they cant accompany their kids that much cos of their work. the son is in the child care while their bb daughter is with the in-laws on weekdays & will only c her parents on weekends. & sometimes when we meet up on weekends, they dun even bring her along cos they feel its v troublesome. talk about responsibility. sometimes, i really pity their children but i cant tell them that as im not close with them.


              • #8
                nothing to display.
                Last edited by silentjess; 03-11-2008, 09:15 PM.


                • #9
                  Hey! you're not alone! i'm a SAhM and i have similar feelings too. my kid is only 3 months old and i think hubby is wonderful and very nearly perfect, except i feel that he doesn't love me enough. Which is actually quite sad. he gives me an allowance i can spend on what i want to ,all bills and such are paid by him, groceries too, and when we go out he pays for whatever i buy too. I guess in that aspect he dotes on me alot.

                  but i always cry, (more often when i just gave birth) now once a month or so, cause i feel very love deprived. I suppose its part Post natal depression as well, cause during the pregnancy i was also very prone to tears. No hugs, no (french)kisses, no foreplay!(anymore), no "i love yous". He feels the regular peck on the cheeks are quite enough. i told him i kiss my good friends like that too, but he replied that he doesnt. O.o'

                  do you married females feel the same way too? that you love your partners more after marriage, so much so that it seems they love you less? when we were just dating i didnt feel the lack of love so dearly, but now, it hurts me so much, i guess previously my mentality was that if i couldnt put up with it i would just leave, no harm done, but now, i've a kid so i'm pretty much stuck. I want my kid to have a father to play with and love, cause i love my own dad alot. i guess a surrogate father wouldnt be the same.

                  sometimes i think to myself, am i to languish away here at home, never to (french)kiss again, at the tender age of 25?? and i have the thoughts too, about the children leaving the coop and eventually only the two of us are left. I hope we can still see properly then, for even now, we communicate most via MSN, but this is more my fault, i cant seem to muster up the courage to talk to him, i dont know why. i scream it in my head, but i cant voice it out. i want to tell him why i'm unhappy, but i dont know how to. so i keep quiet. there was once, i was very unhappy, and i told him why, and he dismissed it easily, but all the while i was thinking it may not matter to you, but it means alot to me. in the end i figured it was better to keep quiet and avoid the disagreements. Oh yeah, and we;ve never quarreled before(YET)
                  , usually when one of us raises our voice, the other will give in.

                  All my friends know me as loud and gregarious, but with him, i'm meek like a kitten with clipped nails. Is this what love does? changes you beyond recognition? I dont know. i'm not so confident about alot of things anymore.

                  after reading my own post i feel its prob PND, but it seems to be going away, so i hope it will go away soon and i'll stop thinking nonsense, silentjess's quote struck a very resounding chord.
                  Last edited by Iced; 22-04-2008, 03:19 PM.


                  • #10


                    iced dear,

                    Sounds like you're having PND

                    I had that once during my first born. Felt exactly like you but i was worst. I had suicidal thoughts and even attempted it


                    • #11
                      Hi all,
                      Thought my vent/woes will not be heard but so many of you shared with me your views, thoughts and regards. Really grateful that you ladies lent patient listening ears.................................

                      Thanks so much!


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by sannie View Post
                        Meadows, I think it does not matter if one is a SAHM or FTWM. I think as mothers, usually everything about the child is "because" of us. Too thin, because of us. Too naughty, also our fault. Too shy, our fault again. It's a never ending story. And if it's not our husband pointing the finger, it's in laws or even our own parents. So don't feel so discourage in that aspect.

                        On the other hand, what strikes me most about your post is not about your frustration as a SAHM but as a wife. It is about your relationship with your hubby. Communication seems to be one of the issues here. I think you need to talk to your husband about how you feel to prevent the situation from going downhill. I'm sure you can work things out together.
                        I totally agree with Sannie. You seemed more frustrated with your marriage.

                        It takes two hands to clap. Your hb must be willing to work at your marriage too. And that means both parties must be willing to sit down and talk about it and taking positive steps from preventing marriage dying of a 'natural' death.

                        Sad to say, statistics shows that the majority of divorce cases happens after the children are all grown up. Because the couple have got nothing in common to talk about now, they found that they are now strangers living together and hence divorce happens even when both are going towards the last quarter of their lives. Isnt that sad?

                        If you think your marriage is heading that way, find a good time to talk to your hb about it. Not when he is sleeping, watching tv, eating etc...the timing is very important! You might want to suggest seeing a marriage counseller. There is no shame in it. If both parties are willing to work then there is hope. One thing I learnt is that to have a happy marriage means to put in consistent hard work.


                        • #13
                          .....mind still foggy, negative feelings come and go and getting bugged by it even more nowadays.

                          Yes, Sannie/Dozalot, at least now I am crystal clear and agree with you ladies that it is the relationship with hb that need working on. Perhaps being a sahm, it makes it harder to get away from this bugging issues. FTWM, you can temporarily get breather when you escape into your work, rite?

                          Seeing a marriage counsellor? I am making an attempt to open up to share here but somehow word drought! Wondering how am I to open up my personal concern to a complete stranger?

                          Mums cum wives, what do you and hb do beside revolving rd kids?? Seem like mine is completely revolving ard the kids and once the kids are asleep, each one of us will engage in our own activities till we decide to sleep and every nite, it is different timing. Nothing doing together!

                          Do you have anything in common that hold both of u together? HB and I have completely different hobbies/liking/belief etc.

                          We literally come to nothing to talk abt besides abt our kids.

                          You may say I am a sahm, expecting and relying too much on hb BUT I am actually a very independent lady that handle and juggle most things.

                          Just feel that besides the kids, we have nothing to hold on. Just living by habitual routines. We are at a stage of 'communicate what??' n 'How to begin with?' Too tired to communicate, speak up our mind etc. Lack of communication, doing individual things is already our lifestyle. He may feel nothing amiss but I m really feeling something is lacking and to think of living without the kids when they are grown up, make my heart freeze! What lies ahead?

                          Acceptance is vital in marriage, we cannot change our partner. So how do we adjust ourselves in such situation then?

                          Medusa, how to enhance the quality of our sahm lifes?

                          Dozalot, I hate to be seen in that old age divorce case but gauging frm my current withering stage...............?????

                          Plan a date...we will go to a movie and ended up coming out frm the cinema with different views and quarrel abt it. Go for dinner, he is those eat to live type, nothing is too special. Best to just stay at home and leave him to do his work/share checking/watch his dvds etc...........


                          Too long into a marriage, not as 'enthusiastic' to open up and talk anymore.

                          Affection will definitely diminish as time goes by. If u ask them if u love u, they will say u know the answer! You think it will be nice if they can just get a little thotful gift to show that u r special, they said you have my credit card, just go get anything u like. French kiss, even if your hb does it on you now, do u still feel the same??

                          I suggest you stay at home temp for awhile, perhaps 1 yr? After that, your kid also at a age where she learns better thru interaction with other kids, send to a c/c and you to rejoin the workforce. Do not allow too long the time lapse.

                          My kids are secured happy kids and I have no regrets being there for them. It is how the term with my hb turned out to be that is bothering me. Perhaps this is one of the px to pay being a sahm?


                          • #14

                            haha...I have no problems opening up to a complete stranger. Afterall, the person wont be there after that. I do find it difficult these days to talk about my problems to friends. Its like I dont want to bother them or bring them down with my negative feelings.

                            Anyway, communication is of utmost importance in a marriage. My couseller told me he and his wife, everyday after the kids have gone to bed, will sit down with a cup of tea/coffee and just talk about their day. However mundune, its important to keep each other in the loop and let the other party feel involved in their lives. Its definitely an effort and he tried to make me and my hb do that. I have to admit that we just cant get into that habit but we talk in the the car, before we go to bed, during dinnertime etc....start with "how's your day?" "what did you do today?" etc...

                            I am sure you and your hb have some things in common. Think back to your dating days. What did you used to do? Take the weekend and leave your kids with someone. Go for a movie, visit the museum, have a drink at the pub or coffeehouse, go for ice-cream/dessert at a nice place etc...Is it possible to have a short getaway w/o the kids?
                            Or make an effort to enjoy his hobbies as well? My hb likes soccer so I know most players in his favourite team and know how they are faring each season and I sometimes watch with him. How about common friends? Plan an outing/ dinner with them?

                            Marriage life might not be exciting or passionate but the companionship is very important. That means you have to do things together and keep each other company. So when your kids are all grown up, you can still do things together.

                            Last edited by Dozalot; 24-04-2008, 02:26 PM.


                            • #15
                              Hi Meadow

                              I totally agreed with the rest.

                              Communication is very very important.

                              Don't you agree that its only after being a mother, then you learnt and really appreciate and LOVE our mother so MUCH? And worst, I guess their generation, our mother take care of so many children!!! I somehow wonder how they go thru them?

                              Try to make time for each other. Just the 2 of you.
                              If possible get someone you trust to look after the kids for even like 2 to 3 hours. And you both spend some time it a movie, a walk, having ice cream date....anything.

                              Just to share:
                              Last month, I finally made my 1st step to tag along with my hubby when he goes for a business trip. I put my 2 kids under my parent's care. And just went for a short 4 days 3 nights to Hong Kong with my hubby!

                              Seriously, I felt very attached to my children, worried about them..But then I also known it is also important to spent quality time with my husband. I have already spent 7 long years with my children 24 hours round the clock.. I guess now at least they are much older. We need some time for our own.

                              And I never regret.
                              I have not felt so FREE like this..
                              We behave like we are dating... no stress, and
                              I haven't feel so peaceful even having a meal!! I really feel good.
                              Just the 2 of us. Now, I wish we could do this kind of trip once every year.

                              If you could, do try to plan a short holiday, if can't do a long one..maybe a 2day 1 night will also be good enough! Otherwise, try to plan at least 1 dating every week.

                              Meadow, hope you can work out the issue with your hubby.
                              Don't give up.