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Daily Jokes

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  • Daily Jokes

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

  • #2
    US Marines finally kill Saddam:
    Word has it that Saddam is hiding in a plantation. So the US marines sprayed the field with Viagra and the Prick stood up!


    • #3

      That's was gooood!


      • #4
        not mine, pinched off my friend. heh

        Heard a very funny joke on Hollywood Squares yesterday afternoon. Elmo, that annoying red puppet from Sesame Street was one of the guests. Anyway, this was the joke:

        Host: "96% of the words in the English language are...what?"
        Whoopi Goldberg: "Not in George W.'s vocabulary."
        Bruce Villanch: "Come on, don't be mean to puppets."

        :ROFL: :ROFL:


        • #5
          Nobody else has any jokes? :huh:


          • #6
            A good laugh


            • #7
              I just remembered this joke told by Jacky Wu.....

              He asked - What shoes will make u happy???

              *Think, think, think........*

              Answer is - Chinese reading " HEI PI XIE "(Black leather shoe)

              Reason? Chinese reading "HAPPY XIE" (Happy shoe)

              Taiwanese has all sort of creative mind to turn english words into funny chinese words!


              • #8
                If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
                syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

                Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what

                Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
                "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
                "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

                I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

                Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

                "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

                "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
                inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

                "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

                "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

                "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
                informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

                "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

                "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

                We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

                "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

                "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

                "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

                "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

                The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

                "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

                Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."


                "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

                "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent,
                absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

                "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
                Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

                "That's enough," I warned.

                We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

                "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

                "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

                2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks

                1 - Cage - 20 bucks

                Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks

                Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........


                • #9
                  That's was funny!!!
                  But why Ernie... hey I like him! "Rubber dukie, u'll the one ..."


                  • #10
                    This is so funny!! I burst out laughing like a moron in my lab!


                    • #11
                      Overheard on Jay Leno on the Tonight Show (US talk show):

                      So Jay Leno bought some masks due to the SARs scare....but he discovered the masks were MADE IN CHINA!

                      now he is in a dilemma...dunno whether to use or not :ROFL: :ROFL:


                      • #12
                        Good for a short laugh

                        Haha, this is cute



                        • #13
                          Re: Good for a short laugh

                          Originally posted by teiko
                          Haha, this is cute

                          very funny....


                          • #14
                            Breast Exam Poem

                            Breast Exam Poem

                            For years and years they told me,
                            Be careful of your breasts.
                            Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
                            And give them monthly tests.

                            So I heeded all their warnings,
                            And protected them by law.
                            Guarded them very carefully,
                            And I always wore my bra.

                            After 30 years of astute care,
                            My doctor found a lump.
                            She ordered up a mammogram,
                            To look inside that bump.
                            "Stand up very close" she said.
                            As she got my boob in line,
                            "And tell me when it hurts" she said.
                            "Ah yes! There, that's fine.

                            She stepped upon a pedal.
                            I could not believe my eyes!
                            A plastic plate pressed down and down,
                            My boob was in a vise!

                            My skin was stretched and stretched,
                            From way up under my chin.
                            My poor boob was being squashed,
                            To Swedish pancake thin.

                            Excruciating pain I felt.
                            Within it's vice-like grip.
                            A prisoner in this viscous thing,
                            My poor defenseless tit!

                            "Take a deep breath" she said to me,
                            Who does she think she's kidding?
                            My chest is mashed in her machine,
                            And woozy I am getting.

                            "There, that was good," I heard her say
                            As the room was slowly swaying.
                            "Now, let's have a go at the other one."
                            Lord have mercy I was praying.

                            It squeezed me from up and down.
                            It squeezed me from both sides.
                            I'll bet she's never had this done,
                            Not to her tender little hide!

                            If I had no problem when I came in,
                            I surely have one now.
                            If there had been a cyst in there,
                            It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

                            This machine was created by a man,
                            Of this, I have no doubt.
                            I'd like to stick his balls in there,
                            And see how they come out!


                            • #15
                              Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
                              His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Is there a problem?"

                              Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public
                              restroom, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Are you Sean Connery?"