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  • sharing of household chores

    HI everyone, this problem has been bothering me for more that 4 years since my husband and i have our own flat.

    He is raised in a family that his mother and part time maid did all the housahold chores. So he would not take the initiative to clean or tidy up our home. Worse, he would simply mess up things that i had tidy up, sometimes forgotten to place his shirts in the laundry bag( and i would only discovered afer i have done the laundry) etc.

    I did communicate to him that i would really appreciate if he could help out. So once in a while, we would wash the toilet together.

    However what i couldn't understand is why he could stand things lying around everywhere and didn't bother to pick them up and put them back in place? And when i was so pissed and had to do the tidying up, he would then try to snatch the mop or cloth and said: 'where do you want to clean, let me help". Why Why, why no initiative? why offer help only when i have already feel so frustrated.

    We try to resolve this by fixing up time table to do house work. But the interesting part is, he fell sick on that specific day ( more that once).

    So i suggested getting a part time maid, but he said he couldn't afford.

    It's really frustrated because i am also working, just that i am doing freelance tutoring, so i had more time at home. Actually I did try to deceive myself and told myself that just don't bother to do the tidying at all, just let it be, the more messy the merrier. So there was once that our home got so messy that my students comment on it. So in the end, i have to do the cleaning, because there are days that i teach at home, i have to keep it neat and clean.

    I felt so unfair that the burden falls onto me. Is doing household chores part of women contribution to the home? Why do Man has no sense of symphathy towards their wife that have multiple roles to play. I really hesitate to have baby given the situation, because i am afraid that i have to deal with this alone.

    Could any kind soul give me advice?

  • #2
    forex: Unfortunately in most households the lady of the house takes a bigger share of the burden esp when there is no maid. I do not have a maid as I value privacy... my SO is constantly not around and even though he does chip in to help once in a blue moon he can't help but misplace items or leave his dirty clothes in the laundry bag without checking the pockets for stuff or sorting it into white or colored or fail to take out the trash!

    There was one time he was really busy and became really terrible and lazy... leaving cups and plates on the table and dirty clothes on the floor! I was not going to pick up after him and after 2 stern warnings I started to take action. I didn't wash the plates and cups... only washing the ones I wanted to use... if he wanted to use anything he'll have to wash or I'll offer him paper plates. As for laundry I just didn't wash his... till he ran out of clothes and underwear and had to buy! I also packed everything except his favorite areas... leaving the trash he had forgotten to take out in plain site on top of his PS2 or under his study table. If he couldn't find his stuff that's his problem! And less then a week he was a changed man... now he even helps to vacuum and mop when i pack the house. And he rarely forgets the trash when he's around.

    I don't like to nag cuz I dun believe it works. If you just nag and still do it anyway... you'll be taken for granted. You are being an enabler. Let him know that there's a price to pay for what he doesn't do. Of course in all fairness I always give 2 warnings.... letting him know both his crime and the possible punishment. I don't let it make me feel unhappy either. He's explained that he was very stressed during that period which is why he was so lazy but but having "served his time" he appreciates all the chores i go thru and won't take me for granted.

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    • #3
      Hi Renze, thank you very much for sharing.

      I would also like to do you what you did and let him learnt his lesson. And like what i mentioned, i tried not to do the tidying and leave things as it is, BUT the problem is students would come to my home almost every two days, i can't possibly do that for few weeks time. I think he took advantage of this as he knew i had no choice but to keep our house clean everytime.

      I really don't know what to do to made him realized that he has to play a part in this household.

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      • #4
        Maybe you can try either keeping one of the rooms neat just for your students or keeping the living room neat but leave all the other rooms or simply explain to ur students the situation. Best is to also have a nice heart to heart talk with ur hubby and let him know how very affected you are by his behavior and how unhappy it is making you feel.

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        • #5
          very sad but its true that most guys expect the female to do the household chores.. but i am one typical girl who has never land my hands on household chores.. maybe you can try to talk to him nicely and ask him to help out..

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          • #6
            i am brought up in a family where i learnt to iron my clothes in sec1, washed my sch shoes in pri3 or so, washed & hang out my sch clothes in sec1, mop whole house from sec1 etc...... but i am a messy person. very messy. now in my new house, living room is FULL of my bags, company work that i brought home to do, my purchases etc....... all lying around in the living room. My wardrobe also messy hahahaha.

            My SO on the other hand, didnt iron his clothes from young. His mum did those stuffs, helped him iron clothes, fold his clothes etc. After that his house get a maid to look after grandmother and i supposed maid do these stuffs.

            Now that we are living together, i told him to wash his own underwear. Cannot put it in washing machine. He used to dump them aside for days and then washed them together (by hand). But its so gross. The germs etc from urine hehehe must be lying around in the house for days.......... so i told him to wash everyday. If he dont, then i throw his panties away. See how many he can buy

            He nagged at me for having a messy wardrobe. He even helped me folded my clothes when i left them on my bed. They were ready at 3am (after dryer process) and i'm too tired to do anything.

            Then he washed his own clothes, hang them out himself. used to do this. but after i bought one dryer, we just dumped our clothes inside after we washed our clothes. He washed his own and dried his own clothes. i do so too for my own clothes.

            Actually everything was discussed before our marriage. We've been together for 8yrs or so. He has been to my MESSY house and room before. So he know my style. I didnt deceive him from the start. hahahaha. no 'good image' from start. i think its better. So that he know the 'real me'.

            I told him that we will wash our clothes seperately. No underwears in the washer because its unhygience. He ironed his own clothes too. He ironed them together like my brother. I ironed my clothes only on the day i want to wear them. See the big different in characters?

            His request for me "DONT MESS UP THE HOUSE". As for mopping floor, he do so when he was alone at home over the weekend. For me, i do on weekdays, when i feel 'crazy'. Just like I can start mopping the floor at 12pm and end at 2am. We dont have a fixed schedule to clean the house. We tried to clean up whenever we have the time or things get on our nerves. Now my living room is really messy with all my things...... argk *self reflection*...... its just inborn i suppose. i cant stay neat for long. i am messy but still organised. i still know where i put my things.

            One day i can use 3 cups and he is always nagging at me for this. He helped me washed them but now he stopped. hahahaha. i washed them when they become 5 or 6. So my tolerant level is very high. When I cooked, he washed the plates. When he is too lazy or tired to do so, i washed them with my cups. Its just give and take. Everyone bad habits sure appear. And dont take it that a messy person will become neat. I think its like in the blood. hahaa. WIll be neat initially but the tolerant level is always there. so it become messy but still okay to the messy person (ME) but its intolerant for the other Clean partner. Have to close one eye already. So for my case, I am 'your husband'.
            Last edited by VinLongo; 02-12-2006, 06:00 PM.

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            • #7
              deleted........
              Last edited by Gibmiluk; 04-01-2007, 03:38 AM.

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              • #8
                to me it all depends on how your family brought you up, so now its hard for your hubby to understand how you feel. Most of the guys i know including my bro-in-laws and friend's hubby they're also the same ...always expect my sister or friends to do the housework and when you talk to them they will just nod their head or just answer you with 'orhhh' or ok and still you can see them glued to the tv or computer. And always end up quarrel and cold war. Guys they'll only do housework when they know you're really angry but it'll only last for either a few hrs or the most few days and they'll be back to square one again. Guess you want him to change overnight its quite difficult. Maybe try the gentle way by asking them to help and do housework together? haizz i myself also in the same situation and worse my temper very bad and i'm trying to control my temper. so....can't comment much only have to 'kan kai dian ***'

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                • #9
                  sharing of household chores

                  hi,

                  I am curious if it is possible to have the husband to share the household chores with the wife? Wouldn't that help lighten the wife's load and heighten the family experience?

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                  • #10
                    erm. haha. the problem is whether the husband willing to or not. for myself, i share household chores with my mum, granny and sister.(girls only, guys are hardly willing to do so. they are even lazy to wash their plates after dinner!! ARGH) so it's like a family thing. definitely lighten housewives load alot imo. hehe.

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                    • #11
                      haha.. is it possible to entice the guys to step up and help the girls? i really hope to picture the scene of the couple sharing the load together... or it'll only be a fantasy??

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                      • #12
                        i'm certain that it won't be easy. haha. maybe a chinese husband from china. i heard many of them are house-husband. hahah!

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                        • #13
                          my dh very happy to help, often does so without me asking ... thing is, i prefer he doesn't, not that he makes a mess or what, but we just have different ways of doing things

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                          • #14
                            happybean: oh, you're so fortunate you know. lol. but well, it's quite true about the different ways of handling stuff though. i can understand. hehe.

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                            • #15
                              same here! my hubbie always has this concept that mothers shld b the one looking after the kids and the household.. i am also a working mum.. not a superwoman

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