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Marriage - Any Regrets?

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  • Marriage - Any Regrets?

    hey gals, has anyone of you regretted marrying your man? Marriage takes a lot of compromise, understanding and patience. im trying very hard to be understanding. Will some kind soul advise me on how best to manage this issue? My man likes to drink. he drinks 3-4 times per week. sometimes he stays out late, sometimes he doesnt. I have talked to him abt this b4 and we have reached a compromise that he should drink less and go home earlier. h/ever, he broke his promise again. Im very upset abt it. now we are back to the same conversation again. he just do not understand why he cant drink for all he wants. also, he complained *** he is tired after checking out 3 shops on bridal package but he has the energy to party on later till 2am plus in the morning. Is there a better way out for me than to sulk and be upset?

  • #2
    Hi junior,
    Does he know what exactly bothers you about his lifestyle? You said he doesn't understand why he can't drink as he pleased, so you need to tell him why. If it makes you feel sad and neglected, then let him know. If you feel that he should be more involved in your wedding preparation, then tell him.

    Some guys are not to keen on being involved in the details of wedding preparation just like how they don't like to compare prices before shopping. You can split the task between you and let him take care of more 'manly' tasks such as transportation, etc.


    • #3
      hi pretty panda,

      I have already voiced out my reasons for not liking his drinking behaviour. I hate to see him coming back late, drunk or even being very friendly to gals. he understood why. I suppose what i need to know is how to behave when the two of us have understood what we like and do not like and either one of us still persist in behaviour that the other party hates. as for wedding preparations, i dont even know how to split. Sure we can make certain decisions on our own but i can never guarantee that he will not have any comments and accept wholeheartly the choices made.


      • #4
        Personally I think something is wrong in your relationship if both of you already know each other's likes and dislikes (and the reason why) and yet keep doing it (no offence pls). To me it's like purposely hurting each other. Have you thought about talking to a psychologist? Sometimes it helps to speak to other people who may be able to bring a new perspective to your problem.

        Dividing tasks doesn't mean yours will be totally separate from his. For example, you can do bridal shops research on your own and bring your hubby only after you narrow down to 2-3 finalists. That way he's still involved in the decision. Same thing for photographer, food, printers, etc.


        • #5
          I'm just worried about his drinking habits from the way you've said it. If he's consuming more than 4 standard drinks (40g of alcohol) per night each time he's out, that's hazardous drinking with potential for health problems. Judging from the period of time he's staying out, it's unusual that he's downing only 1 drink per hour. If so, he needs to talk to a professional. People may laugh, but it's in the WHO standards for alcoholism. It hasn't come to that, but there should be raised awareness as to who's at risk. I don't want to scare you - your concerns are valid.


          • #6
            how long have the both of you been together? or is he only like that recently?


            • #7
              i may sound really bad/mean for saying this, but.. girl do u really want to marry him? not at this moment i mean. looks like he 'broke' his promises, he starts drinking again (quite heavily IMO), and both of you are just going through the same thing again.
              i feel when u want to marry a guy, he should be trustworthy, tt's for me.. and judging from the circumstance now, if he doesn't get the gist of what u're upset about, and there is going to be no compromise for good, im afraid, perhaps even after marriage, the entire cycle will happen again..
              so it's best to get the whole thng settled once and for always before u marry him


              • #8
                sorry to say, but i agree with what some of the gals say here.. you might want to give a serious thought about your relationship. You know the problem and you probably know also that he might not compromise with you.. are you willing to accept that?

                btw, have you draw up a list of negatives of drinking?


                • #9
                  what about going for marriage counselling courses? Maybe it will help you both communicate better?


                  • #10
                    it's not easy for 2 to come together. i'm sure the both of u have been through quite a bit to have come thus far (getting ready for marriage).. so i suggest u don't give up too easily? talk to him and work out the relationship/marriage together.. if he refuses to compromise, you prob know what's best for yourself..


                    • #11
                      gosh - my family doesnt really drink. only my brother likes wine but he doesnt really drink much either. I found that i could not accept this & sort out only for non-drinking prospective marriage partners.

                      But love is something we cannot understand yet its a powerful tool. Instead of pointing out how much you dislike drinking, do it in a positive manner of how you worry about his health of sleeping late too.

                      positive thinking is what you need junior dear. Make or break a relationship - its up to you. we girls are the one who work the hardest in relationships sometimes. You can turn it around into an advantage - discuss your concerns in a positive manner lovingly & you could help him cut down & also improve your relationship. Or some girls can make the mistake of complaining till their SO gets so negatived & sick of her complaining & perhaps still marries her & the relationship doesnt improve as much as it should or even turn sour.

                      A friend of mine told me - shocking but true that her mum takes out this piece of cloth - the cloth on which she lost her virginity to her husband & its her 1st flow of blood from the 1st intercourse they had on their wedding night. She uses it in arguements raging like a mad person "you took my virginity you know!" in bid to win every quarrel. They already have grandchildren now but the husband is seeing another woman, a widow. I mean - she nonsensically drove her husband out of her house!

                      A woman who loves her husband & family will do anything to save it - it will depend on us to make it or break it sometimes.

                      Men can play their part too, but if one loved a man enough one might put in alot of efforts to win him totally in time. It will be a painful road & a gamble of possible no light at the end of the tunnel. The only comfort one will have is - they played their part & their conscience is clear.

                      If he is made of flesh & blood - your love & efforts will move him one day, to slowly decide to change his ways.


                      • #12
                        Erm, I'm sorry but I disagree with Vit_C quite wholeheartedly. I refuse to believe that women should choose to take on most of the burden of making a relationship work. I refuse to accept that 'Men can play their part too, but if one loved a man enough one might put in alot of efforts to win him totally in time.'

                        Every girl is worth having a man who loves her completely. For a relationship to work, both parties must work. It's rubbish that one person should be responsible.

                        If your man refuses to put in the effort, LEAVE HIM. He is not worth yours either. You may choose to work on the relationship because you love him so much. But do not choose to stay on because you think it is acceptable for him to behave so irresponsibly. It is not. It is completely unexcusable for a man to go on behaving as he pleases because he thinks that girls should be working hardest in a relationship, not men. If you stay on, it is because you've forgiven him for this disgraceful belief, not because this belief is acceptable.

                        This is all sexist brainwashing. Women should not become involved in a 'painful road & a gamble of possible no light at the end of the tunnel' simply to ensure they've 'played their part & their conscience is clear'. Doing your part simply involves communicating your displeasure with him and attempting to work things out. If he remains unrepentent, if he doesn't attempt to change, feel free to leave. You are under no obligation to stay. You have done no wrong and you're not a lesser woman for choosing not to put up with such neglectful abuse anymore.

                        In the example Vit_C stated, the mother does sound like a handful. But even though I know nothing about the situation other than Vit_C's short description, what I do know is that what the father did, cheating on his wife, is still deplorable regardless of the reasons behind it. If he was so unhappy, he should leave and not cheat on his wife. Furthermore, while the mother's behaviour when angered sounds quite mad, Vit_C doesn't mention WHY she's been angered. For all I know, she could have been mad because her husband was cheating on her. If I have to constantly live with the knowledge that my husband is cheating on me, I'd act pretty mad too.

                        Ultimately, I think you should do what makes you happy. Why are you in a relationship? Being in love doesn't make you obligated to another person, it doesn't make you practically a slave tied to him. You can be in love and see recognise the flaws in the other person, decide that he's not good enough for you or worth your trouble, and walk away all the while knowing that you still love you.

                        (PS. junior: this isn't in reference to your post but merely a reply to Vit_C's comments only. I've chosen not to comment on your situation because I really don't think I know enough about it to be giving you advice. All I can say is: do what makes you happy.)


                        • #13
                          Xue took the words right out of my mouth.


                          • #14
                            gals, you have shown me just how independent we are in this time and age. Im totally blown away by the advice given. As for the option of walking away from the relationship, it will be tough as we have ROMed for abt a year.

                            IM not trying to clean up his image but he is really not that bad even Though there are times where he can drive me crazy.

                            Comparing him to my ex who used to beat me up and keep me in house arrest, he is god-send.


                            • #15
                              OMG.. u poor girl!!!

                              just remember that we all deserve the best..