Is a 3 year relationship a sign of commitment?

[Barbie_Lawyer]

I am 25 and my SO's 32. This coming June will mark the third year that my SO and I have been together. However, I do wonder about our level of commitment. To-date, he has only said the three words to me once. Oh, he does not mind throwing in the occasional "I miss you" phrase but that is it. We have never been the mushy kind of couple and it has never bothered me, until now. Why does he not say those three important words? To be fair, I have never voluntarily uttered those dreaded words. But that is because I have been hurt an awful lot in the past and in a way, keeping those words in me makes me feel that I am still protecting a little piece of my heart is some way.

We each play our cards close to our hearts. We do not share passwords, we do not share bank account, etc. I am dating a foreigner. Being that this is my first interracial relationship, I do not know if the logistics of a relationship works differently with people of other cultures. In a way, our relationship kinda feels a little more detached than local ones? I do not know. My past experiences have only been with sg men and our lives during those relationships had been more of a merger, more of a sharing of intimacies. But then again, that may be also because I was so much younger then when I was in those relationships.

Being that this is an interracial relationship, where we plan to settle down in the near future has also been an increasingly important issue. We have tried to put it off for as long as we could but now with me forging ahead in my career, it is vital that I forge it where we are eventually going to settle. He tells me to choose anywhere in the world to live in, except sg. I would love to have the world, but including sg as an option too. I then questioned his commitment to me. Is he going to leave me behind if I then decide that sg is where I wanna be living in? No answer, but he did mention that it would be a sign of disloyalty to him. He tried to be practical, that we should always go where the better-paid partner is working, which is currently him. He tells me to build a life out of sg. I don't know if I can. Deciding to leave your home town forever is MAJOR commitment and for what? For a man who might not even be as committed? For a man who has only uttered those 3 important words so many years ago? I sound unfair.

I do not know what has suddenly made me question his commitment.

I guess my question is, am I a coward for not taking more chances in this relationship, because something has to give in order for us to progress in this relationship? Or do I have a cause for concern regarding commitment issues?

[Ang Mo Wolf]

He tells me to choose anywhere in the world to live in, except sg.

Why?
Anyway if this guy is white tell me his nationality and I'll tell you how is mind works. IF you really want to know it. If you wanna keep bulcrapping yourself and pretending that all is fine then enjoy your life "anywhere in the world, except Singapore".

PS
You're totally the weaker link in the relationship. Is it because he's making a shitload of money as an expat and that makes you close an eye on his flaws? Like being an a$$hole for prohibiting you to live in your own country.

[Barbie_Lawyer]

Why?
Anyway if this guy is white tell me his nationality and I'll tell you how is mind works. IF you really want to know it. If you wanna keep bulcrapping yourself and pretending that all is fine then enjoy your life "anywhere in the world, except Singapore".

PS
You're totally the weaker link in the relationship. Is it because he's making a shitload of money as an expat and that makes you close an eye on his flaws? Like being an a$$hole for prohibiting you to live in your own country.

Hi Wolf,

Thanks for your reply. Does his nationality matter? We are not being racist here, are we? Well, he never wants to return to sg because he does not agree with most of the values and principles that we Singaporeans hold. I question, is it a flaw to disagree about some of the values and principles that a group of people may hold? I do not believe so.

And now, to go for the bullet, no, I am not with him for his money. He is very well aware of this as I did not even ask/talk to him about money or even his job when we first got together. It was only after six months into the relationship that he decided to volunteer the information because he felt that I should be more involved in this life (attending D&D events with him, attending casual meetings with him, etc). It was only later that he confessed that he was hurt that I was not even interested enough in him to be bothered to ask about what he does. But that was because I found it was rude to bring up such a topic. Even just talking about his occupation would bring the topic dangerously close to talking about salaries and I for one did not even want to go there. My thinking before was that if we were not even going to getting married, I do not need to know about the logistics about how his life works. But now, back to the present, things are different. People do not spend 3 years fooling around, do they?

I do not understand when you say that I am the weaker link in the relationship, or should I add the word "TOTALLY" the weaker link in the relationship. Is it because of my seemingly lack of faith in this relationship, or my seemingly lack of disloyalty and disrespect for even talking about my relationship woes on a public forum? Do not worry, all these, I have already beaten up myself for. I just want to hear the opinions of others, whether all these thoughts are only all in my head, or, if there is cause for concern?

I am NOT pretending that all is fine. Gosh, if I was then I would not be here asking questions, would I?

This is all so frustrating. I am even at the point where I hardly even feel hurt anymore (at the thought that we would never get through this). Just tired. Both my SO and I have been round and about this topic so many times that we are both ready to tear each other's hair off. Talking gets us nowhere. He wants out, permanently. Full stop. I hate absolutes. This is all going soooooo nicely and civilly.

[Ang Mo Wolf]

This is all so frustrating. I am even at the point where I hardly even feel hurt anymore (at the thought that we would never get through this). Just tired. Both my SO and I have been round and about this topic so many times that we are both ready to tear each other's hair off. Talking gets us nowhere. He wants out, permanently. Full stop. I hate absolutes.

Your answer is your answer. Now you got 2 options:

1) Give in: you are the weaker link (and unhappy, since you don't wanna rule out spore, at least not permanently).
2) Don't give in: you guys break up (you're unhappy for a while then move on).

Since I'm a cynical twat I'd say you should choose number 2 since you are already unhappy with your relationship at the moment and you will still be unhappy if you move out of Singapore permanently. Therefore you might wanna pull the tooth now and then move on, instead of keeping dragging this unhealthy relationship.

But you already knew that didn't you? People who come here for an answer already have it inside them.

[Barbie_Lawyer]

Your answer is your answer. Now you got 2 options:

1) Give in: you are the weaker link (and unhappy, since you don't wanna rule out spore, at least not permanently).
2) Don't give in: you guys break up (you're unhappy for a while then move on).

Since I'm a cynical twat I'd say you should choose number 2 since you are already unhappy with your relationship at the moment and you will still be unhappy if you move out of Singapore permanently. Therefore you might wanna pull the tooth now and then move on, instead of keeping dragging this unhealthy relationship.

But you already knew that didn't you? People who come here for an answer already have it inside them.

You pull no punches, do you? Thank you.

[Ang Mo Wolf]

You pull no punches, do you? Thank you.

You're welcome. Yes I always speak my mind (which seems to always piss people off). And I didn't even address the 25/32 age gap which I consider another fundamental factor which eventually will lead to a break up. All the best.

[mishelled]

Is a 3 year relationship a sign of commitment?

Ahh you got trolled by this bad wolf but in this case what he/she said makes sense (as harsh as it sounds).
No matter how bad a view of SG he has, it's unreasonable to ask you to just pack up and leave your birthplace once the time comes. Most importantly, are you willing to do so? If there is even a little bit of hesitation I think you have your answer. If he loves you he wouldn't ask that of you. But if you are willing to "compromise" in this r/s and go along with this decision (and build up a future with him in a nice foreign land in comfort), that's not a bad thing. However, what else would he expect of you next time that's as drastic? Eg, he doesn't want kids and full stop no discussion.
I think at the end of the day if you want this relationship, gather some courage and have a real talk with him and discuss all the factors you can think of. It'll give you a better idea of whether this is worth going through or of its better for you to get out before you're legally bounded.

[hackneyed]

maybe it's the women's charter that he wants you out of Singapore

[Barbie_Lawyer]

Ahh you got trolled by this bad wolf but in this case what he/she said makes sense (as harsh as it sounds).
No matter how bad a view of SG he has, it's unreasonable to ask you to just pack up and leave your birthplace once the time comes. Most importantly, are you willing to do so? If there is even a little bit of hesitation I think you have your answer. If he loves you he wouldn't ask that of you. But if you are willing to "compromise" in this r/s and go along with this decision (and build up a future with him in a nice foreign land in comfort), that's not a bad thing. However, what else would he expect of you next time that's as drastic? Eg, he doesn't want kids and full stop no discussion.
I think at the end of the day if you want this relationship, gather some courage and have a real talk with him and discuss all the factors you can think of. It'll give you a better idea of whether this is worth going through or of its better for you to get out before you're legally bounded.

Thanks for your comments. It's always good to hear from someone new. The "bad wolf" is fine. I am no little red riding hood after all.

To be honest, I do not know what to do. I have decided to just put this issue on hold for the moment. I'm a mess when it comes to matters of the heart. I'd just continue life a day at a time and when/if the issue ever comes up again I'd just feign ignorance. Lol. Feigning ignorance. We women have after all perfected the art to that already.

[mishelled]

Is a 3 year relationship a sign of commitment?

Haha. tell me about it! I was in a 2.5 years relationship and lying to myself everyday when he was out cheating on me. Got out of it and I'm the happiest I've ever been now in my almost 2 yrs r/s. Nothing wrong with denial because I'm sure you already know the answer and what to do in your heart. I hope you find the courage to do whatever you need to. The answer from him might not be as bad as you think!

[Borgen-breeze]

He wants out, permanently. Full stop.

Barbie_Lawyer,

Reading your long posts, only the above sentence stood out for me because it basically says it all. This is a guy who has made his point, knows what he is looking for and doesn't really give a damn about what you would like. Right or wrong is really besides the point here as it doesn't change the fact that there will be no more negotiations between the two of you (for him at least).

So, moving forward. What do YOU want? Meaning have you made your point yet? (He has!) Do you even know what your point is? (He sure does!) I noticed from your post that you are writing in a philosophical, reflective and poetic form which means you've yet to figure out what you want in all these 3 years ? But at 25, perhaps you shouldn't be too hard on yourself considering that you started dated him at 22.

I see it this way.

1. Go for it: There are no guarantees in life. IF you feel right about it, then go for it. Considering that you are only 25, there is still time to revert and start afresh if things doesn't work out in a couple of years. It may sucks(again), it may be draining(again) and it may hurt(again) but trial and error will always get you one step closer to what you are looking for eventually. It's okay to take calculated risks, just don't make the same mistake twice.

2. End it: He has already made his point and knows exactly what he wants. If you feel that his life values and world views doesn't align with yours then according to my somewhat "oldie" experience, its probably not going to work out in the long run. So take it as a "good while it lasted" experience thing and end it. I know easier said that done taking into consideration 3 years of vested time, emotions and effort but that's life. You take some calculated risks, doesn't work out, you cut your loses and move on. Learn from the experience and get smarter the next time round. You will get better at separating the wheat from the chaff overtime.

I hate absolutes.

Absolutes are best when it comes to making to breaking it. It's either black or white. Anything less than that is that horrible grey area that makes people drag on in relationships that hasn't got a future.

1. Your guy knows hiss absolutes, you haven't got one - you are in the grey zone with a gazillion shades of grey.

2. Your guy is willing to make it or break it at any point - you are still "reflecting and questioning".

Hence you hate absolutes. When you can finally figure out your own absolutes, you may not hate it so much. Your absolutes becomes a basis for you to make decisions.

All the best.

[mishelled]

Is a 3 year relationship a sign of commitment?

Great advice!

[Barbie_Lawyer]

Great advice!

I agree! Thanks Borgen