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In-Law Woes

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  • In-Law Woes

    I'm not too sure if some of you have the same experience as me... I have a very bad MIL she keep complaining to my husband things about me and keep on saying bad things to make me angry and to make me cry... Last time when i'm still not married into their family she seem like a very caring and nice person to stay with but thing changes when i'm married into their family and get worst when i'm pregnant... My husband will never stand by my side to give me support and care instead he will stand at his mum side and listen to all her rubbish and keep asking me to give in to his mum.. but his mum is getting more and more unreasonable.. nobody will expect what she ask me to do everyday... asking me to eat up those cup noodle or can food that she bought that nobody wanted to eat and keep asking me to climb up and down the house to help her with the housework like scrubing the wall and cleaning the window... when i wanted to go home to eat coz i think i need a more healthy diet now as i'm pregnant but whenever i mentioned about going home she will say i'm just venting my anger at her.. Whenever me and my husband had an arguement she will stand at her son side and keep on scolding me and ask me to keep quiet.. i have to cry under the blanket almost every night and keep telling myself things will change better when i wake up tmr but it doesn't change at all... Can someone advise me what to do????

  • #2
    have you ever talk to your hubby about it..did u tell him how u feel and what your MIL're should eat more nutritious food..and shouldn't do those vigourous chores....haha if i was you..i think i will go back to my own home and stay there...oops..

    better to tell your hubby how you feel and ask him whether he wants the baby..since he doesn't care..seems that even if there's a miscarriage i doubt he will be affected...

    maybe attend some classes with him..cause preggy mum has mood swings..he should be more understanding..


    • #3
      Sorry i'm still a young girl to give comments about this..but i think your hubby should be more mature in dealing this too..did you tell him EXACTLY what your MIL did to you? did you tell him EXACTLY your feelings?

      IF he STILL side with his mum, then i think if it's me, i'll just go ahead and move in back to my own house! how terrible !

      I don't know if it's possible..but you can have a good talk with your MIL too. Since she dont take it the hard way, use the soft way....


      • #4
        i am not married yet so i have no idea of how bad a MIL can be.

        one thing is when the MIL tells u to do things, do u do it?
        u can always say no, but if u do agree to what she wants u to do, do not grumble in front of her

        what kind of rubbish does the MIL sprout to your hubby?
        Mothers always complained, especially when things dont go their way.
        when you and hubby quarrel, of course the MIL will help the son, right?
        just like ur family will help u out if u and hubby quarrel?

        as for the food that you do not wish to eat, just tell her.
        I am sure she wouldnt force it down ur throat right?
        cleaning wise, u can always explain to her u are preggy and cant do much strenous work.
        perhaps to her, by saying u want to go home, u are showing ur "displeasure" by being at her place (i dont know whether u stay with ur MIL)

        the hubby is her son after all, think of how sandwiched he is between you and his mother
        do spare a thought for him by not forcing him to take sides.
        IMO, u are trying to do so

        there are always 2 sides of a coin so really put urself in the MIL's and your hubby's position and think why she and hubby are behaving in this manner.

        really things can really change when u are positive and stop thinking the worse of her.
        smile more, shrug off negative thoughts and explain things to her

        preggy mummy should be cheerful always! to u!


        • #5
          Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Sounds like your husband is not being supportive of you when you need him the most. Just my humble opinion but you may want to think about standing up more for yourself, both to your husband and to your MIL. At least let your husband know that he's not helping matters. Keeping your frustrations to yourself will only make it worse, for you and your unborn child. If your husband cannot give you the respect that you deserve, then he's not being good for you.


          • #6
            It seems like a really tricky situation for you there.
            I think it's important that your husband is there for you emotionally, especially during this time. Do talk to him about your concerns and how upset you are. It's good to talk things through so that everyone's perspective can be put into place.

            As for your MIL, do try to understand her rationale of wanting to do things certain way. If it still comes across as ridiculous, I think you should do what you are comfortable with, tell her your preference but continue to treat her with respect. After all she is your MIL, and your husband may be caught in the situation.

            Do take care of yourself, especially now that you are pregnant. All the best. And do seek emotional support from your own family and friends. I am sure they can make you feel a lot better.


            • #7
              My hubby and i have an agreement to deal with our own parents. So if he doesn't agree with something my parents want, I will speak to my parents, and same for the other way around. Because we feel that as a son or daughter in law, however well we get along, it will always be more awkward and diffidcult to express your disagreement, and parents take things better from their own children than from "outsiders".

              Have a talk with your husband - out of the house - or if you think it might work better, write him a letter explaining the situation to him and how important it is to you that he works with you on this. And perhaps you can agree to have your fights in private - away from his parents (or yours), so that your MIL doesn't have a chance to pour oil on the fire.

              To me, this is something your husband has to speak to your MIL about. Or if that really doesn't work, then can you find another advocate? Maybe a SIL that you get along with that can speak for you (but be careful not to make her MIL think that you are turning her family against her!).

              Do you have plans to move out of your MIL's place? I think some distance helps to make relationships better, especially with a grandchild coming - your MIL will have to be nice if she wants to visit her grandchild!

              Good luck and hang in there!


              • #8
                From what I read, she seem nasty enough. However, no matter what, she's still the MIL and as DILs, we have to still give her the respect.

                MILs seem unreasonable to their DILs probably because they feel threatened. They may feel that they are now not getting enough attention or even concern from their son; hence they may get jealous over trivial matters or when they see the son showering love over the wife. They are also extra sensitive, esp to words used or little actions (like your case of returning home). Although we may think MILs will be very happy to hear news of a baby joining the family, it may not be quite so. Why? Because now the son has even to divide his attention amongst 3 parties now, instead of three. (The above is the feelings I gather from my own mum when my brother, her only son, married and got a child.) This might not apply for all but by understanding this and seeing things from the MILs' perspectives, this might help you see things in a better light.

                Make small talks to her and ask for her advice about pregnancy and stuff, so that it'll make her feel important. Tell her if you're feeling discomforts (like nausea, giddiness, backaches). She's a woman herself and she had gone through this, so eventually she may understand and feel for you. Could also ask her to go to the gynae with you, so she gets to listen to what the expert says. Could also have some family outings to make her feel she's part of the family, even if it's just a trip to supermart. Buy her things she likes to eat and talk to her about things she likes. Can reminisce the past, like ask her how your hubby like when he was a baby and child.

                Another thing I learnt is to be close friends with the other family members, esp with the SIL (if any). She can really help to talk things round with her, because MILs will always be closer to and listen their their own daughters. Continue to be nice to her esp in front of your hubby so he sees you're making an effort. (These are some things I've tried with my late MIL and they worked. I even organised BBQs and chalet, and call them to my place on holidays to improve family relationships!)

                As for your hubby, like what cheria said, get him to attend the pre-natal classes with you, so he knows what you're going through. Do let him know the nutrition you need & about the household chores you've to do- esp. cleaning the windows and scrubbing, etc. and the physical discomforts you're feeling. I'm sure he wants a healthy baby.

                Do be optimistic and remain cheerful. The baby inside feels it. Take good care of yourself. Don't bottle things up. If you need someone to talk to, come to cozycot, or there're helplines you can call. Things will turn out fine. Don't worry so much.


                • #9
                  Totally agree with gajahgirl !

                  Although I'm not married yet, I often went out shopping or lunch with my future MIL, alone without my SO.
                  Trying to pull strings already...


                  • #10
                    i have *** to her b4 nicely but she dun understand instead she will change the story upside down to tell my husband.. that's the worst part.. my husband side his mum alot coz his mum is the one who take care of him since young his dad never take care of the family before... when i talk to my husband anything regarding his mum he will get angry even when i'm talking in a very nice tone... i told his mum that i cant climb up and down to do all the housework but she will get angry and say i'm not being a good DIL.. then what can i do... she will just put that pile of water in front of you and make sure u do it otherwise when his son come back she will start complaining again... i really dun feel like staying there anymore... i have done whatever i can to make her happy like accompanying her to the market n shopping but she still not happy.. she can say bad thing about me even i'm there to all those aunties and uncles in the market.. when everybody feel that i'm not that kind of person she will say "You don't *** how she act when she's alone at home with me..."


                    • #11

                      Please refrain from using SMS short-forms, non-standard spelling, and Singlish expressions in your posts. The ***s appearing in your post are indicators that you might have used some of the above. CozyCot is a place where people from all over the world meet and share information. Typing out your words properly and writing in Standard English makes things easier to understand for everyone. This has been outlined in our Bulletin Forum Rules #5. Please edit your post accordingly.

                      Thank you for understanding!


                      • #12
                        Carebe, you mean your husband accept and agreed to let you climb up and down to do housework and eat canned food even thou you are pregnant now? If I am you I will just let her put that pail of water till husband come home then ask husband to do because I can't do it. Of course I can understand he will side his mum if his mum is the sole support for him since young and he is very filial but to this extend is too much.

                        How can he don't bother about your safety and health especially you are bearing his child! Sorry maybe I am childish or unreasonable or whatever but if this happen to me (after I try my best to satisfy my MIL) I will go back my home to stay till after birth I don't care how she talk bad about me but my concern is to have a healthy and fine baby not satisfying her when I am pregnant.


                        • #13
                          cc-lia i feel the same way too (thou' im not married)..think i will just go back to my own home..sometimes i really don't understand a my SO..whatever he do or think he will think of his the weekend how is he going to spend time with his ok with it since he's so fillial..i would be happy if im his mum...but we also need to spend quality time together to build up our relationship right..over the past few months we have never spend time's always with his friends or family...when i complain, he will say im not understanding...

                          sometimes im just so the future are you marrrying your mum, your friend or me..if you want a child are you going to have sex with her your friends or me..#[email protected]%^&#[email protected]
                          sorry im just


                          • #14
                            I'm just curious - Carebe, you sound very young - which can be a disadvantage when dealing with elders. Perhaps you should have a talk with your MIL to find out what she's so unhappy about that she's making you do all this. Did she expect a free maid when you married into the family? How was your relationship before you actually got hitched? I think something must have gone wrong somewhere for her to bear a grudge against someone carrying her grandchild.


                            • #15
                              I have seen bad MIL-DIL relationships first hand, my Mom and SILs with my Grandma. My Dad and uncles are very filial sons and it's the same story, the Mom sacrificed and suffered for them (!!makes me the men last time). Even now that she has passed on, the sons and wives still disagree when speaking of her.

                              Now, here's the MIL's old-fashioned, and not necessarily right mindset:
                              - DIL should be obedient to both hubby and PIL
                              - DIL should contribute to family (through labor like chores)
                              - DIL should have babies (sons preferred!)
                              - DIL should take care of family
                              Bear in mind these are what was expected of her when she was a young bride.

                              I can tell you my Mom and aunts really dislike her and loud rows were not uncommon. Marital relationships were very tough, my parents rarely quarrel but for this subject. As a child growing up, I disliked my Grandma too and now still cannot say that I had any love for her. But listening to my Dad reminisce about his childhood, I realize that they had an irreplaceable mother-son relationship and love. It's not something that can be forgotten or put aside, it's not filial piety as a principle but a real relationship.

                              My Mom's strategy was to become financially independent so she would never feel that she's living off my Dad. Pulling your own weight in the family is key to balancing the "power" and reaffirming your self-worth.