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  • What is she thinking?

    dear cotters - perhaps you can give me an idea what i should do...

    i have a friend who is 26 years old and spent the last 2.5 years of her life partying every night. it all started when she was trying to get over a break-up.

    she has a low-level job, spends all her money on drinks and taxi fares (to and fro work) and has zero savings. she is constantly complaining that her life sucks and does nothing about it.

    we (the friends) have tried to encourage, reprimand, influence and do everything under the sun to help her save, so that she can do some evening studies, get a better job and move onto a better life.

    what started off as drinking to forget her troubles has become the trouble itsef. the ex is forgotten but she is still drinking alot. last night, i told her that she has no reason not to do anything with her life - all her friends (all 6 of us and older) are ready to help.

    her answer she gave me was "i dont see what the problem is. i can do it - its just that i do not want to. i am stubborn".

    it has come to a point where she does badly at her job, got a pay cut because she could perform at work (how could she when she is always late, skives and leave early?) Her hands are trembling in the day - what is this about?

    we want to help. she is a nice person and deserves better than the life she is having. what can we do to get her to come round and see the light? we have waited long enough for her (2.5 years). this cannot go on!

    can cotters please give me an idea what she is thinking and what us the friends can do? :huh:

    thanks :yaya:

  • #2
    she dont want to, she said?

    i see it as a case of indulgence if u ask me.
    some pple are just unwilling to help themselves.

    as u said, the drinking issue has become an issue.
    she has a pay cut cos she cant perform.
    is she aware of that bcos she cant perform?

    2.5 yrs is a long time.
    often we indulge in something and often think that it is not an issue till something comes up...

    what has her family say to all these?
    any parental support?

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    • #3
      She's probably an alcoholic (which could explain her trembling hands), mildly or otherwise. I think I end up saying almost the same thing about these situations under every such kind of post- No one can help another person love and cherish herself or strive for what that person deserves unless that person wants to. She is obviously addicted to unhappiness and has no desire to snap out of the state she's in, so then, what can you (or anyone else) do? Keep your fingers crossed that she'll soon hit rock-bottom and feel the worst she's ever, because with a little luck, that's when she'll hate the state she's in so much that she'll start bouncing back, and when sometimes, when you've seen and felt the worst you can ever be, you'll never return there again. Well, can only hope it'll be like that.

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      • #4
        I can see that all of you want to help your friend, but do you feel that she needs professional help instead? Try to talk her into seeing a counsellor instead. I know it may sound really difficult to make her go. But try to work at it from her soft spot. There may be things that she really wants to try to change but do not know how to or feel that it is all getting too overwhelming for her so much so that everything becomes a vicious cycle.

        There is just so much you all can do for her as friends. She needs to pick herself up and professional guidance may be the way to go.

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        • #5
          [QUOTE][size=1]Originally posted by natnatviv


          yes, her exact words were "i can do it anytime - its me, i dont want to change".

          her family isnt close, they do not interfere with her stuff. i think even if her parents are willing to support her in every way, she would not accept it. my sister thinks she is hurt, wants attention but is proud to do anything about it.

          we thought of sitting down to confront her - to push her to the wall and see reality. alternatively, leave her alone to instead of trying to help. let her learn her own lesson although it might be too costly or late by then....

          any other suggestions?

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          • #6
            hmmm the thing is how to push her to the wall and make her see reality?

            yes probably professional help is needed
            if she is willing to seek help of course

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            • #7
              She's very bitter....if you're a Christian, it would be good to pray for her and perhaps talk to her about her bitterness.

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              • #8
                talk about wallowing in self-pity. it's so much easier to do that because trying to be happy involves effort and risk.

                i agree with mango ultimately - you can't make someone happy unless they want to themselves.

                she sounds like a stubborn idiot like me, the kind that would purposely go against what everyone tells you even though you know they're right. for silly people like us, you need to let them wake up themselves. frankly, they know what's wrong. but they'd refuse to change while everyone's nagging them. just let her know you guys are always there for her and let go. with a little space, she could 'wake up' on her own effort.

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