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  • Relationships with folks under one roof

    need some advice from all you gals out there, i have a pretty stable relationship with my bf and i know his mum doesn't dislike me but when i have to go his house for CNY and other stuff, i always feel very awkward. this is because his mum and i don't seem to have anything to talk about!! for my ex-bf, his mum was always very chatty and will ask me stuff so we can talk, but my bf's mum now just keeps quiet and i also don't know what to talk to her about, please help!!!

  • #2
    Re: How to be closer to your bf's mum?

    it is certainly hard to please pple's mum i think

    what i do abt my SO's mum is i ask her questions about certain things...
    she is an avid cook and good at it as well!
    so usually i ask her for recipes and i make sure i try it out and ask her when i have doubts.
    i also talk to her abt myself... not easy but it is nice to talk to someone whom u want to be close with...

    it has been difficult at first but once u start, it seems a breeze!

    btw, i stayed with my SO's mum for about a year so not talking to her abt things is not an option as well.

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    • #3
      I've been going to my bf's house quite often (once a week!) and I feel awkward around his parents sometimes too.

      However, they like to watch tv and being a tv-addict, I can talk to them about drama serials

      There was once we(Bf's mum and I) had to go to P.Tekong alone and I ended up telling her about my family

      Like what natnatviv said, once you get started, it'll be easy

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      • #4
        Try talking to her about things which you know she has interest in. Like what Nat mentioned, if she cooks very well, try to ask her for cooking tips and do not forget to praise her cooking (but must be sincere though). If she has any hobby like doing handicrafts, ask her how she make certain things.

        Showing her that you are interested in what she does will allow her to open up to you as well. But the most important thing is not to try too hard. Be sincere in everything you do, else you may find it very hard to keep it up

        Anyway, it is ok for her to be on the quieter side. I face this problem with my mother-in-law initially. But things are not as "quiet" as it was

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        • #5
          Some people just have a more introverted personality, she could be shy too!

          Just initiate conversation with her, eg, talk about what she likes to do on weekends, where does she go with her friends, what/where does she like to eat, etc. See what she's possibly interested in and head in that direction. In addition, get her little presents for her birthday, mother's day, christmas and all.

          How often are you over at his place? If you go over more, you'll probably be on more familiar terms and find it easier to chat with her.

          I completely agree with what Vonnie said about being sincere. At the end of the, what you say/give/do lies all on the foundation of your true sincerity. The best way to make someone love is to love first. If you love his mum genuinely, ideas will naturally flow (eg, you don't have to think hard about how to treat your mum well right? ).

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          • #6
            yup showing her that you're interested in what she does is definitely a good way...another would be to share what your own interests are as well because relationships are a two-way thing so getting to know her is not enough. She will feel closer to you if you tell her more about yourself and share your little frustrations at school or at work with her..because by sharing all these, she'll feel that you're treating her as a friend and wil feel comfortable communicating with you.

            Oh and one more thing would be to get her little gifts for mother's day, birthday etc...don't buy the gifts but make them yourself instead. You could fold her paper flowers or bake a cake and make a card...put in the effort and I'm sure she'll appreciate it.
            Last edited by grace; 14-01-2004, 09:22 AM.

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            • #7
              yup showing her that you're interested in what she does is definitely a good way...another would be to share what your own interests are as well because relationships are a two-way thing so getting to know her is not enough. She will feel closer to you if you tell her more about yourself and share your little frustrations at school or at work with her..because by sharing all these, she'll feel that you're treating her as a friend and wil feel comfortable communicating with you.

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              • #8
                How about tackling a bf's mum from hell?

                She hates me and i have no idea why. She even resorted to bad mouthing me and my family. (she's in my church and the whole world just know each other too well. it's crap)

                All I want is to have a civilised relationship. To say hi and to smile to each other, but she'll just look away and pretend i'm not there when i try to say hi. Oh, I'm not the first girl who gets this treatment. My bf's ex girlfriends gets this kinda treatment too. She'll go all out to break us up, but fortunately, we're really tight this time.

                My bf and i came to a conculsion that she's a typical mum who hates all girlfriends and will only regret to see her son go wifeless one day. Or maybe i'm not a typical straight A, ivy league, doctor/lawyer-to-be. Therefore i'm not worthy.

                Sorry, if this sounded like a major rant. But sometimes, i feel like giving up this relationship because it's somehow impossible to stay happy together when the bf's mum is giving us a hard time.

                Anymore with similar experiences to give me a word of advice?

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                • #9
                  ahhh elaine
                  sounds like my first bf's ma...
                  she absolutely hates me and thinks i am not good enough for her son.
                  and her son of course, being the eldest son will listen to his ma.
                  that is fine by me, cos i know u have to be fillal if not lightning will strike u down!

                  oh well, i am usually cordial to her, respectful but never let myself be stepped over by her.
                  fortunately she knows that i am not the type to be trampled, so she ignores me whenever she sees me.
                  actually that is the reason why i broke up with my first bf!

                  elaine i would said just ignore the potential mother-in-law from hell...
                  be respectful but be firm...
                  the only thing i guess u can do now is to tell ur bf how u feel and whether or not bf do anything is another issue. (i dont think ur bf will do anything btw)

                  if it is hurting the relationship, i suggest talking to the lady from hell. it can be messy though
                  PM me if u need to talk

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                  • #10
                    hahar elaine dear, I'm having a problem with my present bf's mum as well ( and his entire family for that matter...) My ex bf's mum was super nice and all so I don't think I'm the one with a problem..but seriousely, I've given up on trying to be close to them because I don't think it's ever possible...even trying not to dislike them is a real feat for me considering the horrible experiences I had and the amount of hurt they so kindly "bestowed" upon me when all I did was to stand by their beloved son and provide him with the support he needed when his family couldn't. And after all that, they still have the cheek to ask me out for a meal!! Do they actually think I'm a person with no emotions and isn't capable of being hurt?? I'm just trying my very best to be neutral towards them right now so that SO won't feel bad but it's really miserable.. Sometimes life really is unfair I guess..


                    So all you girls out there who are on ok terms with your bf's family, be grateful. It's really not that hard to form a good relationship with them but not for my present case i guess..
                    Last edited by grace; 14-01-2004, 11:57 AM.

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                    • #11
                      elainetsai, i can sympathisize with you =( my bf mum is pretty nice to me upfront. but behind my back... it's another thing.

                      she has been introducing nice, young Buddhist girls to my bf. she is a fervent Buddhist and hope that he marries one. i also overheard her in the bathroom complaining that im not pretty enough =(

                      luckily so far, my bf has agreed that we neednt live with her, that we can live close to my parents instead. however, i think it will be difficult should his mum ever request that we live together in the future. it's hard to say no to your mum and i can udnerstand that.

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                      • #12
                        Sometimes its hard to give advise based on hearing just one side of the story. Few people are hard-core meanies devoid of love. If there is a loving side to a person, it only means that she is choosing not to show you that side of her.

                        No one will know reason for sure, but my guess is insecurity. Its not easy to raise a son up, and mothers know that one day when her son finds a woman he loves and marry, the place she has in his heart can be diminished or be replaced. I guess this often causes fear and immense helplessness in many mothers, and for the ones who might not not know what to do about it, they sometimes resort to competition. Sadly, I've heard from MILs and DILs of how the son/hubby is not on 'their side'. OT here, seriously, what is a 'side'? Does being on a 'side' means ganging up against the other 'side'? Or what? Baffling. The worst thing that can happen in a MIL-DIL relationship is competition to see who the son/hubby listens to more, or agree with. No one wins in the end.

                        I was just wondering, for those who are married/ seriously attached, are you willing to treat your MIL/ bf's mum as your mother, or at least do the best you can to make her happy? If an insecure MIL sees her son's gf/wife going all out to please and to love her, how long can one remain hard-hearted? At the same time, when your bf/hubby sees you loving his mother like your own, wouldn't he do the same for your own mother?

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                        • #13
                          u're so right about the "my side" and "your side" thing. it's horrible and puts the daughter or son in a terrible position. it's basically a lose-lose situation. sigh.

                          u're such a sweet and open hearted person Mango =)

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by mango
                            I was just wondering, for those who are married/ seriously attached, are you willing to treat your MIL/ bf's mum as your mother, or at least do the best you can to make her happy? If an insecure MIL sees her son's gf/wife going all out to please and to love her, how long can one remain hard-hearted? At the same time, when your bf/hubby sees you loving his mother like your own, wouldn't he do the same for your own mother?
                            It is not that possible for a mother to treat the DIL as her own daughter even though every aspect has been fulfilled and the DIL treat her like MIL like her own mother. This seems to be the trend. Just like mothers will treat their SIL pretty cordially instead of treating him like their own son

                            Just take my case for example, I listen to my MIL more than her sons do (as in idle talk kind). The guys tend to get together and talk about computers and gadget more than listen to their mum. When I shop, I keep a look out for things which I know she is looking for or things which she needs. I remind my hubby to run certain errands which she had instructed him to do. But at the end of the day, MIL will still see it as HER son has helped her do all those things and helped her buy all those stuff. It is never about the DIL. I have accepted it as it is. So long as she is not ill-treating me, there is no issue with regards to how she treats me, I suppose

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                            • #15
                              mango
                              i am glad to say my SO's ma treats me as one of her own actually.
                              i dont have my parents here with me so having them around is having my own parents as well.

                              we pretty do many things as a family and definately have our frustrations as well. however whenever i am not happy with her, i tried to talk to her or at least to my SO.

                              sometimes, i think there is only so much u can do. if the other party doesnt appreciate you, guess the only way is to be cordial to them.
                              Last edited by natnatviv; 14-01-2004, 12:32 PM.

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