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  • Your Parents & You

    Hi gals, mind sharing about your relationship with your mum and dad??

    I have a problem here, how to deal with old-fasioned thinking parents?

    Eg of old fasioned thinking:

    1. When you come back late, they think you are out there enjoying yourself WITH GUYS and said it in an unsulting manner

    2. When you stay over at friend's place, they think there's always GUYS around and tell you not to do "silly things" and sounded in an insulting way

    3. They think that bringing up a child is for the sake of old age.

    (note: the above situation happens to only a plain and simple girl, never dress up revealingly nor *ah lian*)

    If your parents are like that, would you ignore them? or would you reason with them?

    Personally i think that, there's no point to reason with them. Old Fashioned thinkings cannot be changed ...

    There are so many kinds of parents out there. I do know that parents love their child. But some parents just really don't. I'm saying parents of age grp 45 n above mainly. Young parents now do appreciate their child alot and love them unconditionally.

    Some of my friend's parents trust them so much that even they go over to their bf's house to stay or vice versa, their parents also won't doubt a thing. And they can stay wherever they want freely.
    Last edited by cUp; 07-01-2005, 01:37 PM.

  • #2
    in the first place are u still rather young cUppucino? no offence intended. but i think that ur parents may still think u r too young to be staying out late or what. some parents r just liek that and i guess we just gotta handle the situation from there. no point being unhappy and quarrelling or even fightint with them.

    maybe u should try talking to them about where u r. the more u let them know where u r n who ur frens r, the safer they will feel. they are prob anxious that u may get into trouble with guys out there.

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    • #3
      Hmm....i am coming 21 this year.....i don't consider myself old..but i am big enough to take care of myself.....

      I understand that parents are worried. But why must "guys" always be in the picture??? and must they say it in a rude way???

      This not only happen to myself, also happens to my friend. I WAS very upset about it. But now, i think i'll have to live with it. There's really no point arguing. I just don't understand whats up in their mind.

      I am not upset that i'm not allowed to be out at such a late time (which was in the past). Now i can....but they'll still think that i'm enjoying myself with guys....???? :huh: once in a while they'll nag........

      and when one of my cousins moved out, his bf always go over to stay cometimes. My dad knows about it. And come n lecture me that if i do that he'll me. HAHA.....and he likes to insult other pple as well...something very pure can lead to him thinking that something very "messy" is going on.........i just can't stand it!
      Last edited by cUp; 07-01-2005, 01:45 PM.

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      • #4
        yup, i guess 21 is old enough.

        my parents were also over-protective though they didn't bring guys into the picture rudely.

        i think sometimes parents just don't know how to express themselves n talk to us properly.

        n i used to quarrel with them about it and it'll just get worse. now i talk to them more and tell them about myself and things are much better.

        maybe u can try bringing up this matter about the guys to them?

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        • #5
          oh and i did tell my dad where i am going who i was with. he knows my friends as well. as in those girl friends. they sometimes come to my house.

          but he just don't believe what i say.....so be it....

          Actually all these happens quite intensively for the past 2 years, now that i've starting working, it's no longer so much. but once in a while, they still rage..!! haha

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          • #6
            haha, i also don't know why i started this thread.

            Actually, i don't really bothered by what they say already. Am immuned. Just sometimes, don't know why they must be like that.

            And when i graduated and yet to find a job, my dad already throwing all the bills to me.

            how understanding.....

            :eh:

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            • #7
              First of all, I do not think that your parents don't love you. Their actions do not typify "acts of love" in your opinion but it is too much of a sweeping statement. All their actions are not those of loving parents in your estimation, but we must remember that parents and children are just human beings trying to connect/co-exist with each other. I always think it's a level playing field; even when we were dependent on them for our essential needs as a child, we do have the power to "hurt" them or make their lives worse off (in their opinion). We are equals in the hurt 'em game since it's individual perceptions that count.

              If living with them is difficult, take off the first chance you get. It may be better for your relationship.

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              • #8
                I'm 21, and I have strict but very loving parents. I used to be very embarrassed about having to tell my friends (at this age!) that I can't stay over because my parents don't allow me to. I'm resigned, but very happy about it. I know it's not that they want to control me (I have complete access to their money, for example) but are genuinely worried for me when I stay out late, so I spare them some grief by coming home early. Either that... or I like to think they enjoy my company, ha ha ha.

                Sometimes people - not just parents - cannot express themselves too well, so don't take their tone to heart. When I was younger my mother had problems talking to me because I was so hard-headed, so she would use insults instead. Nowadays we laugh about it.

                Look past the insults, and at their intention.

                I think the idea that bringing up a cihld for the sake of old age is not a very good one - and my parents agree with this. (For reasons too many to bring up here!) Have you tried reasoning with them on this?

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                • #9
                  haha i think its hard for me to list out the details here.....too personal........

                  But i m sure i know how i feel towards my parents....

                  You must know that it's reality that NOT ALL parents LOVE their child....there are many extreme cases out there in the world.....

                  But all in all, i did not mention that my parents don't love me...

                  and different people define love differently.....maybe what i meant was another type of love.....

                  of cos i didnt mean that they are inhuman.....they care for me yes i know....

                  but lookin at it at another pt of view, im really not sure if they cared. and they sure made their fair share of hurtful remarks that i'll feel this way.....

                  Anyway thanks for listening........

                  I think maybe we should just go ahead with the original thread intention.....SHARE Your relationship with your parents? It's good to learn from one another about how to create a good relationship with parents..........

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                  • #10
                    What if one parents ask him/her to pay them back all that they've spent on him/her?? i once come across a story like that..

                    what does this imply?

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                    • #11
                      I come from a single-parent family and I must say my mum's pretty open to most things e.g staying over at friend's place, coming home later or slight alcohol intake. She's okie with them. And of cause, that doesn't mean she doesn't care as well.

                      BUT I must add on that all these trust she has on me is grown over time. I had my fair share of restrictions, e.g reaching home before 10pm, hp ringing every 15minutes asking me where I was. I felt exactly how you felt, cUppucino girl. Over time, I let her know who my friends are and who I was going out with. I always ensure that I wont "anyhow" when I'm out.

                      I'm coming 21 this year too. Though not old enough to consider really matured or adult, let them know you understand what is right and wrong through your actions. And! Be friends with them.

                      We are always a baby in our parents' eyes, dear.

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                      • #12
                        the transition between treating your children like kids and like adults is not easy for both parents and children. It took me some years of battling before my mom and managed to develop a new adult relationship. And alot of parents, especially those who are older and less comfortable with communicating with their children, don't know how to behave when their kids grow up.

                        I'm sure your parents love you. That's probably why they are so concerned that something awful will happen to you. and in their minds, one of the most awful things that could happen would be sex. it will continue to be frustrating for you i'm sure, but maybe it will help a little to know that its probably not because they don't trust you and think you're a bad person, but because they don't trust anything that is out of their control.

                        Maybe you could try small doses of reasoning with them (but stop before you get frustrated). I once told my dad - look i could lie to you about where i go and you would never know, but i choose to tell you the truth because I thought that is how you brought me up. what would you prefer that i do? i think that was the turning point for us in terms of treating me as an adult. And i was about your age then ( a million years ago!).

                        Hang in there. This too shall pass, and after you might actually realise that you like your parents as real people!

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                        • #13
                          Have you talked to your parents about them expecting you to pay household bills when you've yet to be employed?

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                          • #14
                            actually all those you gals have mentioned i have already tried doing......i even assure my dad that i'll take care of him when he becomes old and that i'll surely stand by him....i said that many many times........

                            I believe i am a sensible girl. I worked hard in my studies with little/ no supervision. I lost my mom at the age of 10. and ever since then, i've been a really good girl. I had curfews and i do stick to them....i am less rebellious compared to others....at that age

                            I tried my very best to talk to my dad...i did talk patiently to him....

                            hmm.....i did all i could.......but he is just not open enough to accept my point of view on some things.......

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                            • #15
                              one more thing to add: he thinks that education for gals is not important....all my relatives encourage me to go for a degree. he is the only one who discourages it. And the reason is -- he just wants me to pay this and that for him....bills etc....he just wants me to start working...and he thinks that average pay would suffice.....i am a diploma holder...and he expects me to take up jobs like "working in a confectionary" and he thinks the pay is GREAT! how do i communicate with him? he thinks that i am putting on airs when i refused to accept this job.....

                              I did not even care about what he said. i go ahead with my studies. even if it means paying the fees myself which really is the case. am taking up part time course now.

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