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  • Recently engaged but not happy...

    Hi everyone, I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years. Everything was going well, until we were on the topic of getting a new place together. He feels that we should move into his place and stay with his parents while I feel that we should get a place of our own, I mean which newly-wed couple wouldn't want their own privacy?

    I'm torn in between whether to give in to him or really make a stand on this matter. Please advise!

  • #2
    Originally posted by diamondsparkle View Post
    Hi everyone, I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years. Everything was going well, until we were on the topic of getting a new place together. He feels that we should move into his place and stay with his parents while I feel that we should get a place of our own, I mean which newly-wed couple wouldn't want their own privacy?

    I'm torn in between whether to give in to him or really make a stand on this matter. Please advise!
    Better to discuss clearly on what you expect after marriage. If not you will feel like being trapped in his house, you have to adapt to not only him but also his parents. It can be quite stressful at first.

    If it is only temporary that you are staying at his parent house while waiting for new house then it is still acceptable. Many of my friends had told me about their unhappiness about staying with the in laws, its often not easy to stay with the mother in law. Be firm on your stand if you already know what you want for your future.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Caralistic View Post
      Better to discuss clearly on what you expect after marriage. If not you will feel like being trapped in his house, you have to adapt to not only him but also his parents. It can be quite stressful at first.

      If it is only temporary that you are staying at his parent house while waiting for new house then it is still acceptable. Many of my friends had told me about their unhappiness about staying with the in laws, its often not easy to stay with the mother in law. Be firm on your stand if you already know what you want for your future.
      Quite a few of my friends have also expressed their displeasure of having to put up with the in-laws. So it is quite a big fear for me. My fiancé feels that it's really expensive to get a house at this moment even after I mentioned the different options, from BTO to second hand to bank home loans, etc. Sigh.

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      • #4
        engaged as in ROM?

        not all ILs are bad really.

        have you try staying over for a weekend or even a week or two?

        maybe you can have a house near to your ILs and grab dinner at their place before heading home to sleep?

        your partner has his concern with staying with his parents

        maybe he does not want to leave them alone at home?

        try putting yourself in his position and look at things at another persepective, you might feel better

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        • #5
          You already know what you want. BUT, is he the only son/ kid? If so, you might have to have a talk with him, and if necessary, he to have a talk with his parents about moving out in future. sound the parents out.

          as for you, tell him what you want now and weigh the consequences. you do not want to tell your boyfriend :'see? i told you so?' when something happens right?

          like me, i have no problems with my boyfriend parents. but, i do not want to take a chance and spoil that wonderful relationship by staying with them.
          we are waiting for our new flat to be completed, but when we applied for it, i told my boyfriend, i do not want to stay with our parents. he is OK with it, so do his parents as we can visit often.

          And, housing prices are getting more expensive each year. things will not change much a couple of years later.
          check out the various grants you can apply for with HDB. and if it is your 1st or 2nd time applying for flat, you still can loan from HDB instead of the bank.

          good luck!

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          • #6
            diamondsparkle,

            Big question mark - why have you not discuss this BEFORE you got engaged? What's the story?

            If it is finances issues, then learn to live within your means. Get a smaller place at a less fancy location and share the mortgage. If its filial piety issue, then stay somewhere closer to his parents and make it a point to visit them as much as you can. As googal mentioned, there are plenty of grants if you choose to stay closer to either one of your parents as well as first time home loan grants. There are a 101 ways to work things out if only BOTH are committed to making it work for the privacy that you need as a newly wed couple.

            It's not just about "giving into one another" - that's just a recipe for disaster down the road when either one of you start bearing a grudge and explode.

            With commitment, comes responsibilities. My take on this? He wants a committed wife without the responsibilities of being a husband. Get a wife, stay with parents, no monthly rental/mortgages, home comforts from parents and from wife. Win-win situation. Better still - inherit the house after they are gone! Life is good for him !

            10 years later, you will be the one bearing the grude and exploding, you will end up behaving and feeling like the crazy wife. Best to get it sorted out before you head down that road !

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Borgen-breeze View Post
              diamondsparkle,

              Big question mark - why have you not discuss this BEFORE you got engaged? What's the story?

              If it is finances issues, then learn to live within your means. Get a smaller place at a less fancy location and share the mortgage. If its filial piety issue, then stay somewhere closer to his parents and make it a point to visit them as much as you can. As googal mentioned, there are plenty of grants if you choose to stay closer to either one of your parents as well as first time home loan grants. There are a 101 ways to work things out if only BOTH are committed to making it work for the privacy that you need as a newly wed couple.

              It's not just about "giving into one another" - that's just a recipe for disaster down the road when either one of you start bearing a grudge and explode.

              With commitment, comes responsibilities. My take on this? He wants a committed wife without the responsibilities of being a husband. Get a wife, stay with parents, no monthly rental/mortgages, home comforts from parents and from wife. Win-win situation. Better still - inherit the house after they are gone! Life is good for him !

              10 years later, you will be the one bearing the grude and exploding, you will end up behaving and feeling like the crazy wife. Best to get it sorted out before you head down that road !
              Didn't expect him to propose so soon actually. I guess the main issue is about our financial capability to afford a house.

              Anyway, I love your reply! Totally agree with you, think I'll sit him down tonight to talk about it. And I mean really talk about it.

              Thanks all!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by diamondsparkle View Post
                Quite a few of my friends have also expressed their displeasure of having to put up with the in-laws. So it is quite a big fear for me. My fiancé feels that it's really expensive to get a house at this moment even after I mentioned the different options, from BTO to second hand to bank home loans, etc. Sigh.
                It will be even more expensive in the future so better to get it now than later. BTO is the cheapest choice I guess. At least there is something to look forward to with the BTO. If he really insist on his way, then you have to see whether you are willing to compromise. Lets hope his parents are very angellic. I got one colleague who enjoy staying with her in laws, think they treat her very well.

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                • #9
                  I won't mind living with my in-laws if my husband travelled overseas very often. But of course, the house must be big enough.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by CallMePing View Post
                    I won't mind living with my in-laws if my husband travelled overseas very often. But of course, the house must be big enough.
                    If I don't get along with someone whom I have to live in the same house with.... it's pointless even if it's a castle !!!! :X

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