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  • 8 years of relationship - help ME!!!

    anyone can help to advice me ? i realy dono what to do...in a lost now..

    i am with my bf for 8 years til this year we got flat and ROM then busy renovating house and buying furnitures..then sudenly recently he got opportunity to go overseas to work for 2 years...but will come back every 3 months for 1 month..then he also all along wana go overseas for career..he is very career minded...so we have earlier planned that i can visit him as and when..while working in sg.

    BUT recently he sudenly out of a sudden.. told me he realised he don't love me anymore...he say recent 2 years he treat me coldly and he feel he only like me and not love me...he say i am too good...and i am very nice ...he like my simple..before me, he actualy dump a few months girl to be with another girl for 2 years but was hurt by her who betrayed him..so .all along he think find a simple girl to be with is good enough but he say he is deceiving himself.he say he expect something in love which he never tell me...he say he see people mushy he feel envy but he say he cannot visualise me mushy with him...he is always very man...how to be mushy with him ? funny...*** stupid man...

    .......he say he really hurt me a girl who have put so much in him...and his family who put so much hope in him....his family is very traditional...type..so he haven told them anything yet....he say sorry is only word he can find to me.....my heart was from top splashed to bottom...imagine i am all along so happy thinking i am so fortunate found a gd man...n gettin a new home for us...really disappointed...devastated..y i am such a devoted girl also wrong/? being nice is also wrong dono y heaven play such a joke to me...

    just few months ago we were saying to hold our customary wedding after he come back...nw he tell me he cannot commit...and he scare he may fall in love with other girls...what the hell..i really suffer shock and depression...he say he need to sort out his thoughts and feelings...he say there is no third party...but he is goin to CHina to work.,..,..not sure if he is suffering from post marriage symptons having cold feet..or he rely dun love me anymore

    ...he say he is very sad ..he say he.think alot and having sleepless nights before telling me all these !...but it is not fair to me..he is being selfish...y all these years so long then realised he dun love me? and i think if he go china very easily will have possibility in another relationship...i do not want to give up this relationship...my friends think i am so stupid...if them sure will slap him and dump him since his heart no longer with me...

    ..i also think i very stupid..if i will to advise my friend i also say same thing..but now it happen to myself..i feel i cannot bring myself to dump him...i feel so useless..****..my heart cannot let him go...feel very sad ..i still hope i can do things to move him...now...with my best before i regret...if i really let go now...i am the kind of person who will try till the end before i give up......i really in a lost...now i going to move in the new house with him..and next year he goin overseas...now we still remain as husband and wife status..my friend say i will suffer more if move into the house as if he go overseas i will start anyhow think...but i feel its my house i got the right to move in ***..he say he is still thinking now...if he wana salvage our relationship..faint...Y man can be like that? i always say marriage is a gamble...now happen to me..i really canot bring to say that happen to myself..i go temple pray every week hoping he will change his mind..i think i am really stupid...i dono hw to stand up...really lost..then recently after he told me these, i been trying to win back his heart... i buy dinner for him during he ot..he feel happy...but later ask me y i keep buy diner for him recently n say no need.. i even do a video putting all our photographs to touch him...then he told me we are still husband and wife after seeing the video...dono what that means..i think he is still thinking..



    .please provide me some advise..thank you !

  • #2
    8 years of relationship - help ME!!!

    Did u felt that he changed for e past 2 yrs? As he said he treated u coldly. U did things to salavage e rs yet he didnt feel anything and ask u dun need. He didnt even appreciate ur effort. I **** u shld jus leave him. Y make urself so tired? I **** he is not worthy of u. U can find someone better than him for sure!

    Comment


    • #3
      I saw ur duplicate post in Sgforum too. I guess you should give up on him. I know it is very difficult and messy to cut your relationship at this point. If I were you, i will not have the strength and courage to cut too. However, it is better to cut early or else you will end up losing more in future e.g. wasting your youth, time, and the risk that your marriage status become a divorced status, which makes you more difficult to find another guy.

      Comment


      • #4
        If I read, both of you have already ROMed, which means you are legally married. If the decision is not to divorce, then I would think its better for you to go along with him to china rather than him coming back once every 3 months. The temptation there is very high as I've seen some of the women there very "approachable"....

        Hope things will work out for you.

        Comment


        • #5
          I am in the same situation as you are having now, 6 yrs ago... At that time, my ex and I nearly got a flat but lucky we didn't. I dated my ex for 5 yrs and think that he is the man that I am going to spend my life with but then I realized that he was having several relationships outside at that time and the reason he told me is that we are not suitable, he didn't tell me till the then is because he didn't want to hurt me cos I am a very good gal.. What kind of stupid reason he can think of?? My world clashed and just like you, tried to "win" his heart back by all means but in the end, I am tired physically and mentally... He didn't want to end our relationship and lied to me that he will end the "affairs" outside.
          In the end, I dumped him and shut him off my life completely but till today he still tried means and ways to seek for my forgiveness through SMSs or FB...
          Life is short and I dun wan to waste more time with a man that not worth it... It's painful but thanks to my family and friends who supported me all the way..
          No wounds cannot be healed, it just takes time... Woman must learn how to love yourself more. Hope you are better now..

          Comment


          • #6
            i have this ex, we have been fine all along. together for about 7 years. during the last yr, we had some argument, and slowly he drifted apart from me.
            got once, we argued over small things and he took the chance to broke off with me.

            after 2 weeks, i went to ask him to come back, at first he says no, i am too good for him etc. etc..
            i insisted and he finally agreed to come back.

            the story didnt end here, soon after, i found him really secretive using SMS, saying he cant talk to me at night he's gonna play mahjong.
            one day, i just found his photo kissing another girl in his handphone. His reaction was to leave me when i confronted him.
            i really hoped i didnt find out all these and have just left him the other time..

            why would he want to go china to work, and dont bring you along when you both have ROMed. and choose to leave you?
            I am not saying he is cheating on you, mybe he just want to get away for awhile to have some "peace".

            But well, have a good talk with him, find out what is his concerns and probably you can work things out?
            if he is persistent.. you might want to consider leaving him option..
            When guys changed, they really changed...

            is it because you dont know what to do, if he just suddenly disappears from your life?
            you're feeling helpless and really dont want to give up since you have spend so much time and put in so much effort in the relationship?

            afterall, you have prepared your mindset to spend the rest of your life with him, yet he suddenly popup this to you.

            sometimes it really good to let go if its impossible to carry on. insisting will just make things turned out really ugly.. and the hurt might be too much for you to take..


            take care

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rachie_B View Post
              I am in the same situation as you are having now, 6 yrs ago... At that time, my ex and I nearly got a flat but lucky we didn't. I dated my ex for 5 yrs and think that he is the man that I am going to spend my life with but then I realized that he was having several relationships outside at that time and the reason he told me is that we are not suitable, he didn't tell me till the then is because he didn't want to hurt me cos I am a very good gal.. What kind of stupid reason he can think of?? My world clashed and just like you, tried to "win" his heart back by all means but in the end, I am tired physically and mentally... He didn't want to end our relationship and lied to me that he will end the "affairs" outside.
              In the end, I dumped him and shut him off my life completely but till today he still tried means and ways to seek for my forgiveness through SMSs or FB...
              Life is short and I dun wan to waste more time with a man that not worth it... It's painful but thanks to my family and friends who supported me all the way..
              No wounds cannot be healed, it just takes time... Woman must learn how to love yourself more. Hope you are better now..
              u understand hw i feel..u go thru *** i am goin thru nw..****..it rely takes time..alot frens tell me to giv up on him..since he is dragging nw,,sometime cold n sometime hot to me...recently he tell me he canot stand himself scolding me he hate that mode...he gt bad temper...n he say is causing unhapiness..but all along he is like ***..dono y sudenly he canot tahan..ya its very mental torture...

              i am having 2 sides thought...one is to cherish time with him right now...as i hav to be prepared for worst that he leave me...another side is to dump him..but i still canot bring myself to do that...its really my world clashed...****.many people tell me its not worth it this man...rely need time to heal..now i still trying to save this relationship but canot do anyting more as it will cause more worst tings..if i ever found out he gt girl outside, i sure dump him...now everynite i been thinkin n crying..****..really feel why this kind of ting hapen to me..i canot stop thinking...feel myself too devoted y canot let go..****..stil hanging there even though he is like ***..****...really need time...

              how long do u take to decide to dump him ? since u mention u aso try to win him at first..
              n how long u took to recover?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by meisme View Post
                i have this ex, we have been fine all along. together for about 7 years. during the last yr, we had some argument, and slowly he drifted apart from me.
                got once, we argued over small things and he took the chance to broke off with me.

                after 2 weeks, i went to ask him to come back, at first he says no, i am too good for him etc. etc..
                i insisted and he finally agreed to come back.

                the story didnt end here, soon after, i found him really secretive using SMS, saying he cant talk to me at night he's gonna play mahjong.
                one day, i just found his photo kissing another girl in his handphone. His reaction was to leave me when i confronted him.
                i really hoped i didnt find out all these and have just left him the other time..

                why would he want to go china to work, and dont bring you along when you both have ROMed. and choose to leave you?
                I am not saying he is cheating on you, mybe he just want to get away for awhile to have some "peace".

                But well, have a good talk with him, find out what is his concerns and probably you can work things out?
                if he is persistent.. you might want to consider leaving him option..
                When guys changed, they really changed...

                is it because you dont know what to do, if he just suddenly disappears from your life?
                you're feeling helpless and really dont want to give up since you have spend so much time and put in so much effort in the relationship?

                afterall, you have prepared your mindset to spend the rest of your life with him, yet he suddenly popup this to you.

                sometimes it really good to let go if its impossible to carry on. insisting will just make things turned out really ugly.. and the hurt might be too much for you to take..


                take care
                u know i sometimes also want to be like u go peep his hp but i scare i found out someting i canot take it..**** so let it be..i **** nw i still trust him..recently he tell me next year he want to go china 4 months first next year for work n on a 4 months course in evening there. ****..anyone been to shanghai? can tell me how shanghai is like ? i think now i aready start to think he will know girls there etc but that is all out of control..
                i can only pray nothing happen and hope one day he wake up..
                i think he mentioned he want to go overseas for a breather maybe he is too stress here..shall see how he going to be independent...hope he crawl back sg ..

                "is it because you dont know what to do, if he just suddenly disappears from your life?" yes i am...
                "you're feeling helpless and really dont want to give up since you have spend so much time and put in so much effort in the relationship?"yes correct i am realy helpless ..recently my fren ask me is it due to habit with him or is it love to be with him.? i really canot answer that..maybe both to me.

                how long do u take to recoveR?
                i wonder how u gals can take it..i really think i goin crazy soon..****..u girls are very strong..i feel i am so weak..****
                its affecting my work..i am so moody everyday keep thinking..i know i should not do that wasting my time..but my heart still like that..realy hopeless.how i wish i can forget everything.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Going to China to work for 4 months can change alot of things. But of course it all depends on his own character. If he is the faithful type, most likely he will not stray and get tempted by the china girls there. No doubt there are alot of pretty ones. If i were you i will feel very insecure too. But i feel that there are some things in life whereby we cannot control, so just leave it to fate. If he is yours, eventually he will be. Learn to be strong, though most of us may be weak when it comes to matter of the heart.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    99% he has found a new love hence he has no feelings for you already. Very difficult to win his heart back unless he is not going to China again. You cant let go of him because he has not hurt you deeper enough. You still think he is a angel. He has planted a nail on your heart and the injury is not deep enough. You can investigate and gather more evidence about his infidelity. After you realise the disgusting truth, you will feel like the nail has pushed all the way into your heart till you hurt like hell. Only then you will be able to give up on him totally and autonmatically.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Its hard to get a guy back after he has walked out of the relationship. But even if he wants you back, will you still let him come back to you? For me, maybe i will not, once i have given up on him and he has betrayed me, enough of crying i will move on.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by JulieneTan View Post
                        99% he has found a new love hence he has no feelings for you already. Very difficult to win his heart back unless he is not going to China again. You cant let go of him because he has not hurt you deeper enough. You still think he is a angel. He has planted a nail on your heart and the injury is not deep enough. You can investigate and gather more evidence about his infidelity. After you realise the disgusting truth, you will feel like the nail has pushed all the way into your heart till you hurt like hell. Only then you will be able to give up on him totally and autonmatically.
                        yah u r right..perhaps...he has not hurt me deeper...
                        n my patience level is realy v high..i nv expect myself to be able to tolerate such things
                        i think i cannot let go, i also hope i can let go.
                        its so torturing ***.signz.
                        Jan i goin to Genting with him & his family for holiday.hope everything goes well.
                        i have family stress also my parents keep chasing and asking me when am i holding wedding ceremony as since i will be moving to new house soon.
                        imagine living alone in new house really make me must live stronger and focus on my career & further part time studies.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Urbanhyperflorals View Post
                          Its hard to get a guy back after he has walked out of the relationship. But even if he wants you back, will you still let him come back to you? For me, maybe i will not, once i have given up on him and he has betrayed me, enough of crying i will move on.
                          I ever ask myself if I still let him come back, but I think i cannot find an answer .
                          maybe not i still in crying stage..shock and lost.its a big blow to me.8 years, its not easy for me to handle sudenly.I need more time to adjust myself to put him in lower priority.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by VenetianTay View Post
                            Going to China to work for 4 months can change alot of things. But of course it all depends on his own character. If he is the faithful type, most likely he will not stray and get tempted by the china girls there. No doubt there are alot of pretty ones. If i were you i will feel very insecure too. But i feel that there are some things in life whereby we cannot control, so just leave it to fate. If he is yours, eventually he will be. Learn to be strong, though most of us may be weak when it comes to matter of the heart.
                            yah he not playboy type..but he is friendly.
                            not sure..signz.yah i know really know there are things in life beyond control, find so hard to take it.
                            hopefully we got fate and destiny to be together again.
                            this is really a test for us.
                            we never quarrel before..maybe we are really too plain and he got sick of it.
                            now his mind is all about his career.
                            ya i am strong in my work but weak in matters of heart.so sad.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by tiemmie View Post
                              If I read, both of you have already ROMed, which means you are legally married. If the decision is not to divorce, then I would think its better for you to go along with him to china rather than him coming back once every 3 months. The temptation there is very high as I've seen some of the women there very "approachable"....

                              Hope things will work out for you.
                              yah temptation is very high.really now is see hw he self control **** ***.I only hope i can adjust myself and prepare for the worst.
                              **** he dun want me to go to china with him.he say he go there work.why i follow since i got a good job in sg.

                              our decision is not to divorce now..but in future i realy dun know.recently he seem to find fault with me when talking. he seem to want to scold me at times and then will start to say we got unhapiness if this continues and ask me dun pin high hopes on him if live with him...but he will still move in to new house and behave himself..but if anything hapen he will leave me and his family ..then i scold him ***..say y he keep thinkin of leaving never thought of saving this relationship.

                              that means.he really got intention to leave all of us.**** he really selfish and childish.hope he wake up.everyone has been scolding me to give up on this kind of worthless guy.but my heart still cannot let go.i find it so torturing.i need support at this time.**** its better to cool down first.let him go 4 months and see what happens.if i confront anything now, i really think i cannot take it. i also need the time.

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