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  • Stingy Relatives

    Hi People,

    I have a query. As we all know, wedding banquet losses comes from relatives who bring the whole family and gave only a token sum. I had the shock of my life when my cousin (who just had her wedding at Conrad) told me the amt of ang bao $ she received from our relatives: Abt 4-5 tables of [email protected], a total of less than a $1K of angbao!!

    With this in mind, for my mother's side, can i invite only the Uncles and exclude all aunties since they are considered as being married out?? my mum is not too happy abt it. However, I don't think im keen to invite people who give a $20 ave angbao. Can someone advise me on a better solution?

    Told my mum i will hold separate for this group of misers, she said it reflects real bad on her. Pls advise gals

  • #2
    I'm really sorry if I sound rude here, but....

    To me, if you want to hold a wedding banquet, you hold it because you want to share the occasion, not in the hope of recouping the 'losses' you think you will incur from holding it.

    If you think you will 'lose out' from holding such an expensive affair, why not go for a tea buffet or lunch? It will be a lot cheaper than a wedding dinner.

    Comment


    • #3
      errr if the wedding is meant to be recouping the costs of the wedding, doesnt it defeat the purpose of a wedding dinner?

      i got a friend who once told her parents to spread the news of 'pls give your tokens not less than $XX per head'
      i found it rather rude

      actually doing something like a buffet or a high tea might be less costly like Jenine

      my parents actually told to go for a honeymoon wedding, save money and time


      p/s: sorry if i am blardy rude, but a wedding should be done and really within ur means

      Comment


      • #4
        I think you should invite people whom you care about and who do their best to share in the joyous occasion. Not based on their financial status, and not based on how much "face" your family wants to generate. It's silly to invite people who you don't like and who are likely not willing to shell out the cash to go for an elaborate dinner otherwise unless they had nothing better to do. I wouldn't hesitate to RSVP to not turn up. They can use the place for other people.

        While I agree that it has to be done within the means, I understand it can be frustrating when relatives are miserly considering the newly wed couple may be counting on at least part of the red packets. That's just the way it is. Call it a bad tradition, but it still happens and amongst all the traditions, it's not the worst. Westerners have wedding registries that cost money for the guests to fill too.

        Comment


        • #5
          Hey, cheer up & congratulations in advance.


          This is gonna be your BIGGEST event so don't let them affect u too much.

          I have been thru this, i also received some gold nos. purchased from M'sia as well as angbao in ringgit from distant relatives from my hubby's side. We take them as well wishes & good will (good luck). We appreciated their effort to travel all the way to Spore too.

          I understand that couples may only wish to extend their invitation to guests who they only wish to share their joy with on their BIG DAY but this is seldom true when parents are involved.

          Parents spent so much time/effort/$$$/endless sleepless nites on us so for just this one time, let them have the limelight of marrying u off in the manner they want. Just once-in-a-lifetime ceremony & they hope all parties are happy too.

          I learnt that end of the day, it is no longer the dollars & cents that matter. Well wishes & the significant half that u have by your side are all the bliss u want right?

          Don't ponder too much, for once "lugi" abit is OK. Yes, we can't avoid some cheap relatives who jump on the wagon for cheap good food, we just be generous for once, let our parents have their way, don't upset them.

          Cheer up & spend yr time on yr preparation then to ponder on this issue.

          Comment


          • #6
            thanks people. I dun think the comments are rude. I appreciate honesty more than anything else.

            I agree *** wedding is a once in a lifetime thing and the "lugi" part, hopefully once. My relatives are stingy but not within their means. My dad once wanted to give more angbao$$ to a cousin of mine. but he was criticised for being snobbish by the aunties by spoiling their mkt rate!! Seriously, their mkt rate is horrendous, it cant Even cover my jack russell's food pack.

            my original plan was to invite the uncles and aunties only. even that, Im quite sure they will be gossiping behind my mum's back.

            I don't mean to look down on them or be nasty, but if their father ie my grandfather is donating his millions$$ to a foundation in China, what can we say abt their character? Can u imagine your father wants to leave nothing to you??

            I want to hold a wedding at a place where i like and not where i think i can fit the guests. afterall, they are not my first choice on my guest lists....

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi junior,

              I share the same sentiments as the others. Wedding is not meant to be a profit-making or even break-even event. Would you rather have half-empty banquet because your guests can't afford or reluctant to give you 'enough' ang bao?

              No offense, but I get the impression that your other wedding-related posts also talk about losses ...

              Comment


              • #8
                hey,

                I do not deny the fact that im conscious of the cost issue. what i really want is actually a small and close celebration with people that i want to share the joy with. But i think i cant go on deceiving myself that's possible when parents are involved. The cost is really but an excuse for me not to invite...

                Thanks gals, at least i get a clearer picture of what i've been struggling with for the past weeks.... and all the best to people who are getting married soon!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi junior,

                  I just read your post about your relatives and I can understand it's not easy for you to please everyone. If you can't achieve a compromise with your parents (e.g smaller banquet, do high tea, etc) I'd suggest you just accept it and focus on other things to make your wedding meaningful for both of you. Good luck and wish you all the best!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by junior
                    what i really want is actually a small and close celebration with people that i want to share the joy with. But i think i cant go on deceiving myself that's possible when parents are involved.
                    Well, it looks to me like you want to please your parents more than you want a small celebration. So if you want to accommodate your parents' wishes, that means you have to fork out money to pay for the guests who give small angpows, and I don't think you should complain about it -- it's the price you pay to make your parents happy. How much did they pay to raise you?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Stingy Relatives

                      Originally posted by junior
                      I had the shock of my life when my cousin (who just had her wedding at Conrad) told me the amt of ang bao $ she received from our relatives: Abt 4-5 tables of [email protected], a total of less than a $1K of angbao!!

                      With this in mind, for my mother's side, can i invite only the Uncles and exclude all aunties since they are considered as being married out?? my mum is not too happy abt it. However, I don't think im keen to invite people who give a $20 ave angbao. Can someone advise me on a better solution?

                      Told my mum i will hold separate for this group of misers, she said it reflects real bad on her. Pls advise gals
                      Some comments on the $1K angbao for the 4-5 tables of 12. To be honest I felt it's pretty stingy of them when I first read it, but on the other hand, those relatives might have given your cousin jewelleries and angbao during the tea ceremony?

                      Wedding is a happy occasion so If you invite the uncles and omit the aunties....it's really not good eh
                      Your mum is right....it'll be quite embarrassing for her to break this news to them....

                      Some suggestions....like what the other girls had mentioned....tea buffet/lunch, but if you still want to have a dinner, why not a cheaper and more affordable venue so that your losses won't be so bad?

                      And....invite more friends and business partners/colleagues!


                      :wish:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I supposed, to people who based their judgement on what has been worded would feel that im seriously wearing a hat thats way too big for my head. I had earlier included them on my invite list (though not very eagerly). Its only after my cousin's warnings that made me sit up. She told me she finally saw their "true colours". So I spoke to my mum. She was the person who convinced me that i *** have just hold a buffet for them, i swear. I even told her lets hold a separate dinner for them since we have a big extended family (4 generations) I have no idea why she changed her mind.

                        Im not trying to put my relatives to shame. But based on my cousins experience, they gave $20 bucks for tea ceremony. Its not the money but really, sigh....

                        I reflected on this last night. I really dont have much to complain abt my folks cos they really have been supportive. I mean, since i cant please everybody, im contemplating to abort the whole idea. in this way, even though im not making them happy but at least, im stepping on less toes.

                        BTW, are u gals all married? Had gone thru customary like what im planning?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Fret not dearie....I know how you feel. I am actually preparing for my wedding which will be on March next year

                          Wow 4 generations eh! That's a big family. It's good you're talking to your mum. Communication is very important, and if she's the one who'd suggested buffet in the first place, that means she's open to the idea. It may be just relatives or 'KPO' aunties who made her change her mind I reckon?

                          So they give $20 for the tea ceremony or the dinner? Maybe they're really in financial difficulties?

                          Have you talk to your FH on this? What are his opinions?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I think this is really difficult to control. If relatives dont behave 'automatically', u cant do much about it. My mom has got a stingy sister who gave only $60 for family of 4 who attended a relative dinner at 5 star hotel. They were all disgusted by her, but what to do right?

                            If i am not wrong, the average amount to give should be at least $60 - $100?

                            Life is very fair usually, they will get back in return how they treat others

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Yup.....cos' people actually remember things right? Hee hee..

                              It's indeed rude to spread the news how much is the cost per table, but the least those relatives who can't afford a decent angpao to contribute is to come alone instead of in an army!

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